#Like ive been second guessing myself bc im wondering if the issue is with me or the ppl around me (no outdoors etiquette) and like

[teotoffee]

i want to book a counseling session at my school bc i suspect i have some sort of. Disorder (and has super impacted my life by making me repeat a subject 3 times bc i was too distressed to do the work properly) but how am i gonna explain to them that what made me seek help was Meursault Thestranger

[valdrift]

as the end of 2024 has been getting closer ive been both dreading and anticipating the new year and its a feeling tht i really dislike lol (more under cut bc my rambling got way longer than i thought 😦)

like i moved out 2022 and its been amazing for both my mental health and growth as a person since being away from my family gave me the space to figure out what i want to do and how to. idk. live ? got medicated, developed better coping mechanisms, made great friends, etc. i mean im living with my friends rn and theyre like family and i just got licensed to be an lvt and its all great ! but the thing is that my bio family need me and thts probably the root of the issue

cus my family is dirt poor, like living on gov aid, and none of them can work so growing up i was always told how i needed to be successful to take care of them even though i had plenty of rich relatives and i always wondered why none of them bothered to help and decided to put all that responsibility on a kid ?? and i was pretty much raised into being my family's eventual caretaker. from 13-17 i used to be so angry/depressed/resentful about it and hated my family bc it felt like they robbed me of my agency but now, i cant blame them. im not saying they should have done tht to a kid but i understand why. theres a bunch of complicated legal things and other stuff i dont want to get into and my family are either old, disabled, or both and god knows my relatives arent going to help so its up to me yknow ? its why im moving back in with them by 2025 to take care of them. and i love my family, i really do even if i dont tell them bc we dont talk like that and we all know it anyways. my mom is such a strong person despite how everyone looks down on her and i want her to have nice things, i want my family to live in a house that is clean and not falling apart, i want my mom to not have to ever worry about working and to have time for herself bc shes been stuck caring for kids for half her life. i love my family, i want to take care of them, and im angry i never got a choice. family is complicated and i wish it was as easy as just going "i dont want this responsibility" but i know its not

i keep telling myself that this is just how things are supposed to be and im going to spend the rest of my life taking care of them and i thought i accepted it but theres still some small part of me thats reluctant. i know im never going to have a partner or romance bc my family is and always will be my first priority and ig thats sad but i really dont mind. and im not just saying that, like genuinely im fine being single, i dont need companionship and have never felt that loneliness. im just fine with my friends and i dont need anything more, it just kinda sucks i dont get that choice. the whole thing is kinda sad and ive been told as much but these are the cards life dealt me and better me than someone else i guess

truth is im kind of scared, it feels like my life has already peaked and being away from my family has been so freeing but its selfish and damn if i dont want to be selfish for just a little longer. but its hard when i can see my mom getting older and the house getting worse and im angry that this isnt as easy as it should be. this country is awful and the systems in place are cruel and makes life as difficult as possible for people of color, the poor, and disabled. i know i'll get over it and i'll be moving back in and helping them like i promised but i'm only 22. my relatives are acting like i'm wasting my life every second im not helping my family or working towards making 6 figures or whatever and i won't lie it's put doubts in my mind. but im only 22!!!! i dont know. maybe im being dramatic because honestly it could be worse and we're even lucky to have a roof over our heads and to even have a steady source of income no matter how little it is. ive never told anyone the last bit abt being scared and all that, i think its easier to type it than say it, and it also helps i dont have a face to yall and i dont have to look you in the eye. i dont know if ive ever shared this much or anything like this on here either lol. i dont know

tldr; do it scared i guess

[marsixm]

edit sorry this post is both long (if the readmore fails i am truly truly sorry) & longwinded im just reflecting and thinking; (another edit: u can probably just read the tl dr and get it)

anyway allow me to spin some very personally based theory here for a mo while i put off/warm my fingers up from the cold in preparation to email my therapist

so growing up i had, i think only, het ships, but i never quite had the ones you were (narratively speaking) “supposed to” have

in most media i recall when i was a kid, there were like, 2 diff structures of character romance plot arcs in media i consumed, there was the main lead and 2 best friends model, where thered be the star of the show who had outside romantic leads and the 2 best friends (who were always a boy and a girl) would have their secondary romance, OR there were ensemble shows where there was a more clear romance set up between the main boy and main girl, then side characters whod pair off in whatever ways ended up happening. in the first, see: hannah montana, the second, see: zoey 101. obv this isnt a hard rule and there were loads of exceptions but like, lets just say i tended not to care for the romances set up for the main girls in the trio models, or quite as hard for the main boy and girl in the ensembles, and in general if there was an obvious romance between two leads i either didnt care or outright hated it

basically i never liked the ships they set up for us in straight media, as a kid (namely, a girl) i liked being that “ew pink!” “i hate valentines day” sort of contrarian, but what i remember actually disliking was the predictability of it, because i clearly still shipped characters, so it wasnt /really/ that i hated romance, per se

looking back on it i think it was probably or at least to a degree more like that i hated the hetero expectation of it- i can nit pick down to more specific examples of why i disliked the main pairings (kataang, for example, i thought was weird bc katara acted like a mother/older sister figure to aang, and i didnt feel like there was romance between them at all except where it felt shoehorned in) - maybe it was also that i thought it made more sense for a main character to be with someone they clearly already spent a lot of time with and not some random new hot boy in town (i very distinctly remember shipping miley and oliver on hannah montana, and i believe that was the first time i ever read fanfiction @ age like... 11 lol) as is often the case w like these things.

theres another level to this though, which is that i notice i tended to ship characters who were more vaguely similar to each other, like, physically (ie, similar heights, or hair colors mainly) obviously this is funny now since my main pairing is johnlock which is such a physically different ship we can construct them from basic shapes and colors and theyre still recognizable as who they are, but i have some thoughts about this- but i think there might be two interesting things about this again in retrospect

first of all, this sounds silly ik, but shipping the vaguely similar ones as a child’s way of queering heterosexuality is an interesting concept and not that difficult, like, two boys are also vaguely similar to each other in a similar way a boy and a girl with the same hair color and height might be, which is something i thought of a while ago

the other way in which this is really interesting to me now, that i think might have been more actually pertinent to myself as a trans child, is that i think i shipped the characters i did in an attempt to morph the concept of boy and girl? to find the boy counterpart to every girl??? that second one makes more sense actually. anyway, i digress

2 start off i definitely had gender feelings starting from a very young age so i think these observations ring more true than just reflections, PERHAPS

so the first thing i remember shipping, ie wanting them to be together, thinking about it an inordinate amount of time outside watching the films, even imagining them eating ice cream together in their pjs (i was NINE DHFJGghfkg) was jack sparrow & elizabeth swan from potc (basically my franchise of choice as a kid bc i never read harry potter) now this doesnt quite fit the “visually similar” thing bc actually orlando bloom looks more like kiera knightly and is prob due to them like making out in one movie, but i think this works for the “shipping as gender expression” theory, because elizabeth swan dressed up as a boy, spent most of that movie wearing boy’s clothes, etc- meanwhile jack was a wacky pirate which like hello duh i’d want to be. so i wonder if beyond the fact that they kissed and flirted, there was something to this concept of me wanting two characters to be together, meant i wanted to marry together two conceptual things happening with two characters, or absorb the cool dude and the boyish girl characters into each other to make one whole archetype for myself? i likewise shipped aang and toph (toph who, normally doesnt really have anyone to be shipped with, since she likes sokka but he has a gf) who we all know is the VERY boyish girl character, so boyish im p sure her actually being a trans dude later in life is a p decently accepted headcanon (i dont actually delve into aatla fandom though so i can only hope) 

another thing about this ship thing, is most of my ships had brown hair (like miley and oliver), just like i always have, and in certain cases the girl character would look a LOT like me (i also shipped logan and quinn on zoey 101, which to my surprise n delight actually came true later (although looking back im like... 11 yr old me is glad they made out a lot but adult me is like uhhh why were the kids on this show making out a lot? anyway thats another issue) and i def was a weirdo girl with glasses and long brown wavy hair) which sort of further fuels my feeling that this was an attempt by my brain to do 1 of 2 things, if my own involvement really was a greater motivating factor in this thing, 1. ship MYSELF with a boy (which is like def possible for my gay kinnie ass, but not quite my thesis here) or 2. morph these boy and girl counterparts by imagining them together, seeing them together, etc

for example, i realize now, when i was a kid i drew an avatar sona for myself and said sona looked an awful lot like how id imagine a katara/zuko fusion would be, and the fact that i shipped zutara (very hard lol) was what lead me down this thought path rn

i feel like even to me this concept sounds weird and far fetched but like, gem fusion made enough sense for someone to write with its clearly, usually, romantic implications and we all “get” that, so whom knows???

another thing ive noticed while writing this is for a good few of these ships you can argue the boys in them can be read gay, like jack sparrow and zuko and aang, which feels even more strongly like me trying to marry my gay boy feelings to my tomboy realities [thinking emoji]

the biggest reason i think this makes sense to me is because when i was 10 i became obsessed with the idea that this boy i was friends with and i were secretly twins separated at birth, like i was so into the concept that we looked alike, i like hoped and wished so hard for it to be true, i wished a christmas miracle would happen for fucking real and a magic door in my house would open and be his new room and itd all work out perfectly! and you might think this was a manifestation of my difficulties with my family and wishing to leave it, but in my dream world my parents were still my parents and he came to live with us- which makes me think the obsession of ME looking like this BOY was a manifestation of my gender feelings, which i think can maybe be traced to this concept of pairing a visually similar, possibly gay, brunette boy to every brunette and/or tomboyish girl

anyway. if you actually read all of this id love it if you lmk somehow (doesnt need to be a like) like this is clearly very long and strange but i hope it makes sense. i think i stop myself a lot from ever commenting on gender or theory or whatever but i am a living breathing trans person who has experienced things and i have opinions and i dont think im claiming anything destructive with this lol i think its not unusual to reflect on the way you interacted with the world as a gay/trans kid

also im obviously not saying that shipping straight things is somehow inherently queer, im not trying to retroactively claim something about straight ships, like, those two characters are still functionally straight, and i definitely also shipped probably all of them for normal shipping reasons (although, kid ones, so less “oh theres a lot of ACTUAL romantic subtext between these two” but rather “oh theyre friends and would be cute together!” (or like they kissed and i was like O: )) but im just trying to theorize about something its possible my tiny trans brain was trying to express- and who knows maybe im not the only one!

anyway i guess the TL;DR is: when i was a kid i had a lot of “unconventional” straight ships- i already observed that i eschewed the main canon pairings in kids media in what was probably my tiny baby brains rejection of hetero culture, but i also actively shipped side characters who looked like me, and also looked like each other (ie, both tall and brunette, a boy and girl counterpart of Each Other) OR characters who seemed to be a gayish boy and a tomboyish girl, and im theorizing that maybe the reason that was was my tiny trans brain wanting to gem fusion those two together because of my Gender Feelings and fuse the boy with the girl and this desire manifested in shipping therefore thinking about a lot these pairings of boy and girl counterparts

[archived--hell]

1, 2, 17, honestly all of them if you’re up to it

1 - already answered 

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

L O R D T jupiter fuck man got damn id die for jupiter 

3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else?

i have adopted characters before, but ive never done anything with them, and i have received characters Back from people but besides that nah

4. A character you rarely talk about?

HI PLEASE I BEG OF YOU ASK ABOUT THE GODS PLE AS E IM DYING

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be?

fuck uh.. honestly if its only semi popular would i do this bc being Well Known would be nice, yeah, but.. it scares me? idk but uh probably leo or aero, theyre two boys i hold close to my heart

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related?

:) eldur and leo kinda? idk i try not to make any of them look alike rip

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories?

YES! theyre actually all part of one universe called cooking with demons! i have a whole game planned out for the man cast kinda? but all in all its all set within one universe, with multiple different stories occurring within it jhfdksg

8 - already answered

9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else?

unless specfifically made for them upon request, no. ive already tried that once and it lead to me losing any and all control i had over my characters. At this moment, i only “share” a few ocs with my boyfriend @coffee-burglar and even then, its taken almost a year to even be able to do that

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design?

uh, all of them are kinda complicated for me, but as of right now, that would go to leos full form. (if u want a ref hmu and ill post it, but it wont be my art)

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”?

like a ray of sunshine? yeah! angel and stitch would fit perfectly for that!

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot

@coffee-burglar their oc chrome n koh,  or derek but thats bc im a hoe

13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs?

aero, jhor, innis, leo are all trouble makers to some degree, leo being the most trouble some

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory

uhhhh fuck what counts as tragic?

i guess id have to say leo or jupiter mostly, but eldur fits too

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?

if youd let me i would yell about these fucks for hours on end, ive done it

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)?

the best but wouldnt enjoy it: Jupiterthe best and would absolutely enjoy it: colby

17. Any OC OTPs?

stitch/lavaaero/kohcolby/derek/inniswill/happiness aeyr/Eberictderek/Xhaztolleo/eldur

18. Any OC crackships?

jhfkdfsjghdfkjhgdkfjsgl i never talk abt it but will/aero is fucking A+

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

ah,, leo. i originally made him to project the worst in myself onto, and because of that ive made his life a living shit hole. but,, recently ive been hell bent on giving him a good ending, one where he heals, and lives his life ok, where he finally, finally has a chance to be happy and get help. its,, kind of been a tiny growing point for me? he just, means a lot to me because of that haha

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

uhhh all of their voice claims are songs n such but only a few of them actually sing in canon! heres the voice claims of the ones who do sing:

Aero - thats his voice, but hed probably more likely to sing Something Like ThisAngelStitch - this is her voice! but shed be much more likely to sing something a lot more upbeat, kind of like thisColby (its jeremy from bmc jghfdkg)

and one i dont have a voice claim for yet that does sing canonically is Sycamore! 

21. Your most artistic OC

!!!! oh thatd easily be will! hes nothing professional at all, but he does enjoy drawing and making diy type projects :0c hazels also artistic but with food :0c but what would you expect from a kitchen witch

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how?

Hi My Names Skinny Penis And No One Has Ever Even Looked At My Ocs For More Than Two Seconds

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

lordt all of them would fit that, but the one thats changed the most? lordy thatd probably be will! he used to be a persona that was mostly only interested in dying and getting fucked, but now hes? evolved into a fully fledged character, and has even changed from being human lmao

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?

jupiter, simply because he is The Biggest Comfort i have. hes,,, really important to me and i love him a lot

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

:) its bold of you to assume they dont all resemble me in some way. the most though? damian. lazy motherfucker with 200 emotional issues and no motivation to fix any of them

26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will?

…yeah.

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song?

Nope, most tend to be born from ideas spawned by me n my bf concepting about my ocs, and what would happen if this thing happened? yknow?

28. Your most dangerous OC?

He has yet to be revealed >:)c his names icarus

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going?

INNIS, GOD INNIS WOULD AND HED PROBABLY DIE

30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection?

secret: damiannot so secret: colby

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really)

uHHhhHh 

damian would probably have a very shitty coded blog theme (or default) and would genuinely only reblog shitty, abstract memes, and nice food recipes for hazel to make him

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

protagonist? if youre going for the scared baby, colby. if ur going for the stoic “thats weird but ok” one, innis or aero.antagonist tho???? Leo and angelica :)

33. Your shyest OC?

uh, a oc thats genuinely shy and not just anxiety filled? angel :0c shes had a very limited interaction pool with anything thats not other angels so she tends to shy away from others bc she really, really doesnt want to get into awkward situations

34. Do you have any twin characters?

Jupiter and leo!

35. Any sibling characters?

Jupiter, leo, angelica, damian, eldur

jupiter, leo, damian, and angelica are all related via their dad, while eldur is related to damian via their mom

36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)?

uhh if im understanding this question right yeah i do! derek, koh, n a lot of others belong to @coffee-burglar ! ive just roped them into my universe dkjfhkdjgh

37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human

Op All Of My Characters Are Inhuman

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer?

surprisingly? aero! hes got really good rhythm and can actually dance really well, its kinda scary

39. Introduce any character you want

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Ill let yall have a choice, pick one

1.) Lust2.) Greed

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share!

fond?? uh,, not really. but damian does have a very important memory attached to him.

tw for suicide ment hjgkdfs

with damian, i created him after i tried to kill myself and was stuck in a mental hospital. i had just finished reaing the first shadowhunters book, and decided to try and draw the first demon(???? was that what he was?? im a dumbass and its been over 2 years) you met, which had bright blue hair and if i remember correctly, electric green eyes? but yeah. i made him to cope with all the mental stress i had while being forced to be in that hospital, and hes become very close to my heart because of that

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)

!!!!!!!!! yeah!!! my boyfriends drawn damian and most of my characters bgjkfdhgkfdsgl but one i do hold close to my heart (bc at the time, i barely knew them) was when @stuck-in-the-ghost-zone drew aeyr! it made me really happy tbh. i still have it saved to my phone actually!!!

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods?

uhhhh,,, provided that they found a way to get anything involving earth and their beliefs itd probably be either angel or colby. angel enjoys learning anything and everything she can, while colby enjoys hearing about the Tea™ that comes with greek shit

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confess

lordt ok

i really just? enjoy making demons really, or anything that doesnt quite fit “conveniently attractive” in at least one form they have. (i also favor making guys bc im Gay)

44. Something you like about your OCs in general

how well theyre coming together, for so long, their stories have been little fractures and pieces that never fit together. Fragments. but now, theyre almost fully put together and its… wonderful to see

45. A character you no longer use?

a hi have.. one. their name was angel aura, a steven universe oc. i got rid of them because of too many.. bad things.

46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly?

not directly, but yes. it.. actually helped me give a lot of them a ok life, or at least a good ending

47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child?

@coffee-burglar eldur, colby, will n a few others lmao

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

ELDUR GOD ELDUR PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE THIS KID BACK TO HIS MOM

49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes

damian

50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you want

ghjkfgkfdhgklfjhglkjdfhgslfjdgh give me a actual thing to talk about bc im dying op

[madokasoratsugu]

therefore you and me post-production notes (or: murphy’s law as a project that has been two years in the making)

ive had this idea for ‘therefore you and me’ and Fritz ever since i first played CindPhenon. nothing ever fell into place until i played Evermore though, so here we are!

drafting this project was pretty easy tbh (see: hubris). the parallel imagery and everything about the lyrics was right up my alley aha.

fun thing with the lyrics: TadanoCo uses ‘要る (iru)’ in the line ‘Which do you want (iru)? Or do you want neither (iranai; aka negative form of ‘iru’)?’

‘ 要る ‘ as a verb can mean ‘to be wanted’ or ‘to be needed’. 

hence, the line can also be read: ‘Which do you need? Or do you need neither?” or any other variation of the verb’s usage. 

it’s halfway through drawing the lineart that murphy’s law began. 1) i drew ~15 panels on the wrong dimensions, and had to redraw them all (lol), re-grey tone (LOL), and re-ink (LOLOL). it was not a fun three days.

then i lost momentum because of lunar new year (happy late lunar new year btw! happy year of the ox :”) )

anyway: the moment i regained momentum for the project again, i hit a roadblock in the form of overconfident, sloppy drafting (see: hubris is my downfall). 

because of the lack of clear drafting for certain panels (and changes to previous panels), i had to redraft two different sections of the PV while keeping in mind that there was the bridge still to be drafted. fun ! 

i decided to simplify the bridge. can you believe it was supposed to be another animation. i can’t. so i scrapped it.

(slight tangent. Evermore’s release honestly cleared up a lot of uncertainty regarding the direction of the PV and whether or not to include Fritz’s mother (who I still fondly call Beatrice). im really happy the PV never came to fruition before Evermore’s release, as im not sure i would have done half as good a job without Evermore’s content.)

back to the hubris of proceeding with a messy draft - there was a lot of push and pull internally for me as to how much i should keep to the original PV and how much i should just put my spin on things. i ended up doing a bit of half-and-half, i think. 

but really, it only delayed things as i ended up redrafting and having multiple drafts of certain panels haha//

the last two choruses were honestly my favourite parts to draw. the shift from Varg’s clothes and colours to Fritz, Fritz’s acceptance of Varg and the soft way Varg looks at Fritz (and no one else). there’s something cathartic about acceptance and acknowledgement. i think that’s what i aimed to really capture.

also: in between drawing all the panels, murphy’s law 2) my Evermore itchio game file ? got deleted off my computer ? 

it’s a very old, barely functional brick so im lowkey unsurprised but at the same time it was a crazy experience and setback when i needed to reference certain scenes. oh, and Steam decided to not download Evermore too. i still haven’t fixed that one. haha. ha.

i have screenshot posters to thank for uploads of certain CGs, although im still pretty sure its best not to post a ton of those publicly at one shot?

also, i had to scrap the recreation of the famous ‘did you love Varg’ scene because of this aha. looking back now, i think it worked out. 

(another tangent: using referencing as an excuse, i actually took the opportunity to replay Fritz’s route for the third time. i ended up checking nothing at all and falling in love with the masquerade scene again.) 

up till the very end, im still not sure if everyone got that the line “You are love itself.” was meant to be said by Lucette to Fritz. i colour-coded Lucette with her own unique blue for the PV, which was the same hue as the line. i hope that it got across, aha.

with that said, video production was a whole entanglement in and of itself. i think murphy’s law really took up a hammer and swung hard at this stage.

timing was actual hell. im usually not this bad at it, but this project in particular was tricky bc TadanoCo uses a lot of background beats that aren’t overt, which his PV also matches - i think? or maybe im just not good at recognising beats from lack of video/music production haha//

hence there were certain scenes i was stuck at and kept revising because i wasnt clear where the beat was meant to be, what transitions i should use, and when the transitions should be.

subtitling was actually really fun! until i rendered my first version and realised all the subtitles were completely off and blurry.

turns out my project properties were different from my video properties, hence the off-alignment. huh. didnt know those were Actual Things(tm). 

also, quick tip to all vid-making amateurs like me out there: you may have to double the dimensions of the font’s media properties if you dont want them to come out fuzzy. another thing i didnt know lol. 

anyway all this lead to: me needing to spend another evening to redo subtitles. haha. it was not a fun two back-to-back 3am nights + extra evening afterward.

in between all this was countless rendering tests to guess-and-check what’s causing numerous errors in the video btw.

and with those rendering tests came: glaring mistakes in the panel art that i only now spotted and had to fix, and refix, and refix again. then reimport into sony vegas, put it into the video, render and double check if it’s alright. rinse and repeat countless times ! haha ! PV making is fun !

i think i nearly redid a certain scene with the exact same panels once. like i said: not a fun two 3am nights.

that said: i dont know how all this technical issues (and more) popped up and were resolved over two 3am nights and one evening. im not about to question it either. 

at this point: panel art - fixed ! subtitling all redone ! render works fine, everything checks out.

i make the mistake of uploading it directly to yt instead of leaving it unlisted first.

murphy’s law 3) when im watching the vid on yt, the yellow parts in the second verse were completely unable to be seen. 

panic put it on unlisted. people are already watching it and leaving (very sweet) comments. panic delete it.

btw if you’re one of the first three commenters reading this: thank you for the quick response !! it means a lot and made me really flustered in a good way :”))

cue me re-colouring those scenes, redo-ing the section and oops, is that a panel in the masquerade scene where Fritz literally is missing his mask ??? 

i think i lost my mind entirely at this point. from then on i was fueled by spite to complete this cursed project.

at thereforeFINAL.mp4, (version five of the full PV, version maybe 10-11 of all the rendered videos, including tests) finally. finally it is done. 

i upload it.

the end !

(except, not really. because here you are at post-production notes detailing the worst luck i’ve ever had with PV making. 

i learnt a lot from this though, and honestly on hindsight i should have learnt all these from my first PV but nothing went wrong at this magnitude so i kinda just...shelved it aha//

but really, im relieved it turned out well, and that i took the time to redo scenes until i was satisfied. for a PV that’s been waiting in the background for two years now, i think this is the least it deserves. 

if the comic about Fritz and Varg (which i referenced in one of the last choruses, i wonder if anyone caught that?) was meant to be a love letter to Fritz’s route, i think this PV ought to be a tribute to the character himself. 

although - hm, this isn’t quite as good a tribute to Fritz as it is to his route, maybe? i don’t know, haha ! maybe it’s just myself wanting to make excuses to create more for him//

i was thinking of continuing on about the PV and it’s significance to Fritz and Varg, but hm. maybe not on this post. maybe some other one, some other time.

but at it’s core, at it’s simplest, most raw - i think i just wanted to explore what it means to Fritz to ‘want’ and to ‘need’ with this PV.

thank you for watching the PV, and thank you for reading this.

- blu.)

[yvvaine]

I was wondering if any [past or present] Jonerys, Pro-Daenerys fans like myself feel this way.....?

Firstly Id say please be nice i just enjoy analyzing the shit out of fandoms I like, (im a history/polysci major ((with an emphasis on Peace Justice and & Conflict Studies)) all i do is analyze and try to be diplomatic lmao) but considering all they petty drama between both ships as well as pro/anti Daenerys stans ON BOTH SIDES I’m going to be “That Person” and at least ask for people to be respectful/civil, I want to hear from everyone and their metas/what they think which is why i tagged like, all the tags, no matter if you love her/the ship or cant stand it, as long as everyone can keep civil So firstly I’ve loved Dany both books and show from the beginning. She’s gorgeous, wants to be the best person she can be, and her hair/fashion style game is always ON POINT.  That being said, somewhere around season 5 i think i’ve found my opinion on her cooling a little bit, ep after ep, till now. Like I still like her bc she was my first character love on the show but I’ve def soured in my opinion on her. Maybe it’s because I love learning about the subject that im more baised (im hoping thats the case) but she just seemed to have no interest in actual governance, just the reputation (esp of being the ‘rebel queen’)/the awe/the power/the thrill of the adoration that went along with it to the point where I feel like though she still wants to be a ‘good queen’ or at least wants to be seen that way, she doesnt want to do much work for the title. Like yeah she freed all the slaves and that was a def progressive and awesome move on her part (major props! slavery is sin and im glad someone recognized that who had the power to do something about it) but she didnt handle that aftermath or ensuing problems well at all nor really mulled heavily on the subject to find the best solution. She just got fustrated with pretty basic/common (albeit complex in themselves) issues of standard governance and kind of went agh! fuck this! (obv not actual quotes but that was the vibe I got). And then ESPECIALLY after season 7 her character has kind of nagged at me in the back of brain which i hate but its inherent like its just a feeling i cant help it?? I just dont know why to be honest that Im feeling so negative towards this character i used to love.  The whole ‘ bEnD thE knEe ‘ thing w/ Jon and yet pinning it on Jon’s pride not equally on his and her own was more than a little hypocritical, when hon they can discuss it later like at that point they have two common enemies the WW and Cersei they both want to do away with, and then again with the Bend the Knee or Die bit w/ the Lannister soldiers. In fact the whole sequence before that point felt kind of villinous I dearsay, I mean  deliberately burning the harvest that most of westeros needs for the winter or even strategically not willing to try, and well, nOOt intentionally burn the food considering its winter, the harvest is over (so likely not much is gonna grow in the time being) when she has a G I A N T ass army of her own to think of feeding???? Like i get it is war shit happens soldiers die but the F O O D ? Was that an impuslive in the moment mistake or did she just not give a fuck? And back to the aftermath scene/Bend the Knee 2.0, her speech was again quite hypocritical...and burning dickon?????? not willing to keep prisoners???? either bend or die??? I actually am glad she did away with Papa Tarly bc he was an awful human, but dickon????? a young idealistic man about to loose his father??? the heir to a major ally/house???? And honestly that bend or die strategy is soooooo dumb bc now she cant trust any of them like theyre only bending the knee out of self preservation homie, no one wants to die. they bend  the knee to survive and now they all of the sudden think youre their queen? Nah fam, prisoners were better, all you got are spies in your camps or people willing to backstab you at the smallest promise of coin. And i dont want that for my girl

IDK the whole “im gonna BREAK THE WHEEL,,,,,,,,yet im stating my claim mainly on my housename (aka the predominant force of said wheel for a literal dynasty) and the fact that i can scare people who otherwise are unconvinced bc lets be real westeros has had a bad run of rulers a lot of which were Targs in the past couple decades, into submission bc ill burn you otherwise???” doesnt sit well with me nor does it feel like the character ive been rooting for the past five-ish seasons. She just doesnt seem to put into effort on understanding Westeros, why things go wrong, being self-critical or sharing the blame,thinking on what a “good” ruler would do.... anyone else feeling this way and if so do you think this is just shitty writing? D&D butchering her character? or a new arc for her? perhaps the way shes always been? She just seems like a tantruming child bratty and entitled idk (a beautiful child but still)  As for jonerys...... im not gonna go into it much but how are other shippers happy????????? I honestly dont understand. I was SO looking forward to this season/this ship. like so much! But it felt so forced? And i know a lot of people claim its cause its rushed but tbh we’ve had a lot of romances in a similar time frame that felt like A C T U A L romances.....even Talisa/Robb who the Northerners will prob compare any of this too were so much better. THIS WAS MY EPIC SHIP DUDE. I feel the dany side of things (took a while but theres def heart eyes) and yet Jon???? He felt hollow. Still does even after sex. Im so disapointed but more than that I cant see the romance or the chemistry. He looks constipated. Hes never smiled like with his teeth around her the way hes done w others he cares deepily about (ygritte, toramund, sansa, even fkin gendry in the first scene they had together). He never reveals anything about himself. And between the “my queen” ep (and remember he was look warm when discussing her to toramund throughout it) and the previous the only thing that changed was that he saw the actual difference dragons made against WW. You could argue she saved them all too but that doesnt make you fall in love w someone out of the blue and also people have saved his ass before and??? Sansa w the vale anyone??? (Not an argument for jonsa js its happened) (though ill admit ive transitioned to loathing jonerys and loving jonsa more as a potential couple in the space of seven eps where if you asked me I wouldve been like PSH u cray. I never thought it would happen in a mill years but D&D ruined my ship and here i am! Shipping aside tho since its best too look at these things as neutral as possible).  Anyways the sigh of his after she left and when he pretended to be asleep.... idk. The only scene that felt genuine and where Jon smiled and it didnt look like a full on grimace and they actually kinda joked around was really nice and at the pit at the finale and if they do a LOT more of basic romance stuff like that I could ship it again but. It was followed by boatsex and boy.  I was hoping boatsex might rekindle my like for the two together. I could see the chemistry the passion. I was hoping the passion would overwhelm me and make up for the rest. But instead......like there was no foreplay, it lasted 2 seconds, and it was overplayed by brans voice and a reminder of future conflict or at the very least major angst b/w the two. i didnt see the parallel between regear and lyanna playing alongside their scene as anything romantic or that it should be taken as such. and the look they shared.... I was hoping jon would bring it bc Dany’s look in her eyes is like soooo smitten and adorable and say what you will I still have a space in my heart for her and still dont want her to suffer, but again Jon looks like oh shit/constipated. And not in a good oh shit way either.  There is a bunch more too but Imma stop there bc Im just tired at this point.  So many things were just....off this season. And it cant all be blamed on the “rushed” time frame. I’ve read the undercover lover theory and hon it makes the most sense (not perfect sense but still, more than what we’ve been poorly spoon fed) but im not willing to believe it just yet. Still, maybe D&D are just butchering a lot of things like making the romance believable and stuff for the sake of time that could be true i guess. But they like to go AHA GOT U so  Idk I dont find a lot of meta in the jonerys tag bc honestly (((((i think its bc the tag and ship are more popular and theirs more people both good and bad)))) it doesnt seem like snowballing theories is something all fans take really well in the tag at all. But whatever. I really want to know, is there any meta or theories im missing to either validate the icky feeling Im haveing about D or her “romance” or on the flipside anything that might make me change my mind about it? Theories, meta people! I just want to reiderate im not trying to hate on anyone or any point of view and I will flag any comment anti one ship or person or another if its plain hateful or rude. I just want to understand it and see what Im missing, esp because of how much I was looking forward to her arc and jonerys’ dynamic and how much the words “falling short” dont seem to cover it. And to see if im not the only one to either have critique on the ship or her character [or even actually change ships] Also i apologize for how much ive said “IDK” i just..... I DONT KNOW 

[valleyofthefae]

MAC MAC MAC ,,, answer all the number ask questions .... I dare ya 👀

i accept ur dare 👀👀😎

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?my little sister probs ? 
2. Are you outgoing or shy?Shy af !!!
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?my nana tomorrow !
4. Are you easy to get along with?ummm,,,, i feel like im not but idk how others feel about that
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?hmm,, idk ? 🤔
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?ppl who look like they dont sleep very often (dane dehaan for example), ppl w/ pretty eyes, or interesting personalities tbh (idk what i mean by that, im thinking about Grimes & Billie tbh) 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?heck nah 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Dane since i mentioned him up there ^
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yup
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?You probably !! 💕
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“haha, okayyy 💓💓!!!” to u 👀
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Bellyache by Billie Eilish, Grrrls by AViVa, Pretty Head by Transviolet, The Gunner by MGK, & party favor by billie eilish :) 
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?mhmm!!
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Eh, kinda??? I believe in miracles, luck not so much
15. What good thing happened this summer?idk,, that was 5ever ago 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?hell no
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?yes !!!
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?nope :) i was too scared to talk to them in general tbh 
19. Do you like bubble baths?i used to !
20. Do you like your neighbors?yeah!! some of them, i live by a lotta old people & theyre really nice !!
21. What are you bad habits?ummm, biting my lips/insides of my cheeks && some other things 
22. Where would you like to travel?Canada, Europe, some places in Asia, & other states !!
23. Do you have trust issues?yeah :/
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?makin tea 
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?all of them
26. What do you do when you wake up?i look at what time it is 
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?im actually okay with my skin color now, i used to wish i had lighter skin though 
28. Who are you most comfortable around?you !!
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?nah
30. Do you ever want to get married?nah
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?yup!! :)
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?🙅🏽‍♀️
33. Spell your name with your chin.um,, maheczwi tried :)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?no, i played softball like 6 years ago tho (i hated it)
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?tv !
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?yeah!
37. What do you say during awkward silences?i dont know if i say anything ? 
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?someone who isnt a terrible person
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Claire’s, FYE, antique places, goodwill
40. What do you want to do after high school?i have no ideaaa
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Depends on what they did
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?idk, it can mean a lotta thingsbut tbh, im always quiet so who knowsss 
43. Do you smile at strangers?if they smile at me i do :)
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?dang man, idk !!!! is both an option 👀👀
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?on school days, my alarm bc i have to climb down a ladderon weekends, having to go to the bathroom does
46. What are you paranoid about?my friends secretly hating me,, and probs other stuff 
47. Have you ever been high?nope :)
48. Have you ever been drunk?nope :)
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?no :) 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Black 
51. Ever wished you were someone else?25/9
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?The way my brain is wired
53. Favourite makeup brand?Hard candy probs 
54. Favourite store?claire’s
55. Favourite blog?hmmmm, idk i follow a lot !
56. Favourite colour?pastel pink, blue, purple, gray, & white
57. Favourite food? apples
58. Last thing you ate? some chicken marsala thing 
59. First thing you ate this morning?oatmeal
60. Ever won a competition? For what?I dont think so ? 🤔
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?nope !
62. Been arrested? For what?nope !
63. Ever been in love? nah! 
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?it was w/ one of my childhood friends & tbh, that’s all i remember 
65. Are you hungry right now?,,
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?i dont have tumblr friends tbh
67. Facebook or Twitter?ummmm, i dont like either 
68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?yup! im watching tom & jerry 😎
70. Names of your bestfriends? youuuu ! 
71. Craving something? What?strawberries tbh 
72. What colour are your towels?umm we got some gray ones & some purple ones !
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?one or none tbh 
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?mhmm!!! theyre at the end of my bed (they make there way up to where i am tho) 
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?👀👀👀👀👀 15-25 is a good guess,, for the ones on my bedi have a lotta stuffed animals 
75. Favourite animal?fox, bunny, soo many othersss !!!
76. What colour is your underwear?purple
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla, tbh
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?vanilla
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?a pink & black one :)
80. What colour pants?black 
81. Favourite tv show?Looney Tunes
82. Favourite movie?hmmmm,,,,, idk honestlymy fav recent movie is wonder woman 
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?ehh, not really a fan of either one !
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?ive never seen 21 jump street soo idk 
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Karen (??? idk, the one played by Amanda Seyfried) 
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?the octopus (idk her name), & Gil
87. First person you talked to today?my sister maybe ?? i honestly have no idea
88. Last person you talked to today?my sister 
89. Name a person you hate?😉 we all know who i hate w/ a passion (hint: the name starts with a “n”) 
90. Name a person you love?Alyssa, Billie Eilish (it only calls for one, but i love billie) 
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?myself 
92. In a fight with someone?nah
93. How many sweatpants do you have?likeeeee 2 pairs i think 
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?dang idk tbh,, i have a lotta hoodies && at least 5-7 sweaters 
95. Last movie you watched?Bolt 
96. Favourite actress?ahhhh !! i have too many, soooDove Cameron, Angelina Jolie, Elle Fanning, Emily Browning, Gal Gadot, Ástrid Bergés-Frisbey, Hannah Murray, Christina Ricci, Lily-Rose Depp, etc !! 
97. Favourite actor?Dane Dehaan, Cole Sprouse, J D*pp, Freddie Highmore, etc
98. Do you tan a lot?no ?
99. Have any pets?i have a dog named layla && some fish !
100. How are you feeling?not too swell :/
101. Do you type fast?heck yeah man !
102. Do you regret anything from your past?so many things 
103. Can you spell well?i’d like to think so, im not too bad at it :)
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?mhm 
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?nope !
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?idk, honestly
107. Have you ever been on a horse?ive been on a pony, does that count? 
108. What should you be doing?nothing atm !
109. Is something irritating you right now?yeah,, but it’s all good !
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?no
111. Do you have trust issues?aye (this is up there somewhere too) 
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?idk honestly
113. What was your childhood nickname?Kenz
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?mhm!!! ive been to texas, other states going to texas, Washington DC, Mexico (i was hella young), other places bc of my sisters meets, && yeah :) 
115. Do you play the Wii?not anymore 
116. Are you listening to music right now?no, i might tho 
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?yeah
118. Do you like Chinese food?yeh, some of it 
119. Favourite book?hmmmmmmmmmm, idk !! 
120. Are you afraid of the dark?yes 
121. Are you mean?i can be 
122. Is cheating ever okay?nope
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?ive never owned white shoes !
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?no
125. Do you believe in true love?no
126. Are you currently bored?kinda
127. What makes you happy?um,, seein my bestest buddy, talkin’ to my bestest buddy, seeing cute animals, and listening to music 
128. Would you change your name?yeah, tbh
129. What your zodiac sign?Aquarius :)
130. Do you like subway?no
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Idk,, i wouldnt like em back tho
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?this ones up there too !
133. Favourite lyrics right now?“Call me calloused, call me coldYou’re italic, I’m in boldCall me cocky, watch your toneYou better love me, ‘cause you’re just a clone” - COPYCAT by billie 
134. Can you count to one million?gosh i hope so
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?hmm, idk ive told a lotta dumb lies 
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?closed !!!! always!! 
137. How tall are you?5’3”
138. Curly or Straight hair?curly/wavy
139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette 
140. Summer or Winter?winter (even tho i hate winter)
141. Night or Day?Night
142. Favourite month?october
143. Are you a vegetarian?i wish
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?none,, tbh 
145. Tea or Coffee?tea
146. Was today a good day?nah
147. Mars or Snickers?neither
148. What’s your favourite quote?hmm, idk atm
149. Do you believe in ghosts?yes
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Selling their bog recipes and crone aphorisms and schoolboy spells! It makes me sick.”from the Wicked book

[keith-against-sheith]

@educating-antis

can you send me receipts about that incident bc this is literally the first time i’m hearing about it. this post is the first time anyone has personally come to me (this side) to boost anything, you know, rather than use extreme cases to fearmonger and derail actual discussions (like..how i said..in the op..that we just get radio silence except when you shaladins come here to tell us we’re bullies). I dont check up on shaladin accounts (and most antis dont bc we tend to want to avoid you guys).

“Most shaladins actively campaign against hate that’s what their accounts exist to do” same for antis yet many of the asks/submissions/responses we get are hate! next

“How many posts exist that say along the lines of ‘antis should die?’ A very small amount” I’m just wondering how much content antis receive do you actually see bc this seems to be a very one-sided view lol. do you want like an exhaustive list of how much hate/harassment antis get cuz you’d be waiting a while lol. it’s not just posts but asks, submissions, dms, and I don’t get how you can say we DON’T receive the hate we do when you’re not an anti.

also WHO are the fandom moms you are talking about? bc the only ones ive seen are shaladins/non-antis. could you link to evidence of predatory ppl pls? so i can actually do something? instead of just talking on my post about how bad and awful we are? this is literally the most useless response ive ever gotten.

“You were attacking her, harassing her.” the minor who had an issue with bex wasn’t attacking her. people were rightfully upset that she joked about a pedophilic ship—a ship that she said herself she doesn’t support in canon because it would be an inappropriate relationship and “shiro is not a sexual predator” and is not in a relationship with any of them. that’s in her words btw. AND she encouraged a sexual homophobic comment about a minor as well. people had a right to be angry with her, and with her platform/celebrity status she should’ve known not to react the way she did. she doesn’t deserve to get called a pedophile and other antis as well as myself have made posts about that for our own community. but what she did was not okay, and even she knew that when she tried to apologize. but still because of her that minor was sent death threats and harassed off of tumblr by who? shaladins. bex was NOT abused jfc for people who love to say we don’t know pedophilia is this is a laughable response.

and now “I have never seen a pedophile shaladin” ??? your entire community is built off of “it’s just fiction” and “don’t like don’t read” content/content-creator shielding rhetoric. guess who that protects? lol here are some examples: x / x / x

plus EVERY shaladin who interacts w sexual content of the underaged characters (ESP where they look really young/younger compared to shiro, don’t ignore that), EVERY shaladin who makes the “age of consent is 15 in X country” argument, “fictional child porn is just fictional” argument, “my parents got together when one was 15 and the other was 20″ argument, “as long as they’re post-pubescent it’s fine” argument—that is ALL predatory rhetoric/behavior. you’re telling us we’re watering down the definition of pedophilia when countless shaladins like to say anyone who hits puberty is suddenly eligible so it’s fine if a teenager dates someone in their twenties??? nasty. you guys refuse to examine the danger in age gap relationships if one or more person involved is in their teens so don’t tell us we don’t care about minors or survivors.

“You actively ignore when someone brings to light a real life case of pedophilia.” where??????? link me please??? or hey remember when i mentioned above when a shaladin called a CSA defense firm (a firm that defends pedophiles for a living) to confirm that child erotica is not in fact illegal #DiscourseEnded :)

this is literally hilarious that you’re telling ME that antis put fictional arguments over real people. that second to last paragraph is just a bunch of bullshit. your whole community is a cesspool that aids pedophiles and abusers and makes it easier for them to feel safe grooming kids because fandom has been brainwashing everyone with this ridiculous mantra of There’s Nothing Wrong With This Abusive Relationship If It’s Fictional. where criticism of fictional content/fandom behavior is suddenly harassment and the Good Old Days of fandom were when everyone could do whatever the fuck they want (i.e be racist/homophobic/consume pedophilic content/ship incest/etc etc etc). do you not see how dangerous that is? nowhere am i saying the anti community is perfect but shaladins fit perfectly in this whole “fandom is not your safe space/it’s just fiction” shithole where people like lohkay and todokaras and jakeira thrive and call kids stupid for being uncomfortable with pedophilic/abusive/etc content.

“Stop pretending you’re doing what you do for the greater good because it’s been shown time and time again when that was put to the test that all you actively care about is your ships and your petty arguments regarding other people’s” literally shaladins are the ones who pull all this shit out of their asses for the sake of a fictional ship. how’d you get that backwards lol. come back after you acknowledge the predatory arguments your side uses.

and yeah im 21, I’ve had more time to unlearn the gross hive mindset of Dont Like Dont Read that fandom is currently trying to break out of. Me being against glorified pedophilia/abuse/incest/etc. isn’t the problem here and I hope you can realize that.

[drchristineputnam]

5, 7, 10, 14, 19, 23, 27 for the book meme!

5. Which genre(s) don’t you read? Why not?

I don’t read much high fantasy, because apart from few exceptions, I don’t find it that appealing haha. I also don’t read many detective stories, which is funny bcs I ADORE detective shows. I just don’t like trying to guess what happened/who the murderer is while reading bcs I’m not that smart nor am I that bothered to try to figure it out. I’m perfectly happy to wait for the story to just tell me who did it lmao

not a big fan of scifi either, same as high fantasy, it’s just not that appealing. I don’t like anything with too much religion either (or more like christianity, given my upbringing, i’m sick of it). Also i dont like reading biographies either, I just cant ever concentrate;;;

10. The book(s) you bought because the cover was pretty, and whether it was worth it

Six of Crows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve vaguely remembered Kevin Wada doing character arts so I remembered it was a thing but then I saw THIS in our local bookstore

and was like ‘holy fuck gimme’ and yknow what?? best random decision of this year tbh

I also bought Abroad by Liz Jacobs, who’s my good twitter buddy and I love her, and while I haven’t gotten to read it yet, look how absolutely gorgeous the cover is. I’m in love

14. The book that, in hindsight, really should have clued you in to the fact that you’re _________ (queer/in love/doomed to be an academic/etc)

LMAO. Well, let’s be real, my very big and ridiculous obsession with Christine should’ve made me realised how much into ladies I was MUCH sooner. I mean come on brain. I know the whole asexual thing hides a lot of other things, but seriously. SERIOUSLY. Also like. The entire cast of The Posterchildren by Kitty Burroughs. Every single one of the was. Super Relatable

ALSO, and while I was already trying to unpack that whole non-binary thing, reading about Pen in Unsuitable Heir made go ‘oh wait. shit this is real. this is really real im not making this up’ so like. Thank you Pen, I love you Pen, I will always cherish you my beautiful and perfect angel of everything that is good

19. That book with a twist that felt like a blow to the chest. Tell me about it. (But warn for spoilers if necessary!)

No spoilers, but I’ve read Fingersmith by Sarah Waters in one sitting, and like, if you’ve read it, you might imagine what a mindfuck upon mindfuck upon mindfuck upon MINDFUCK that book is. It’s been, 3 years I think? And I’m still mindfucked

OH and the twist at the ending of The Abyss Surrounds Us by Emily Skrutskie. I haven’t read the second book, but HO BOY THAT TWIST SURE WAS A TWIST HUH. GEE I WONDER HOW THAT THING TURNS OUT IN THE SEQUEL HUH

23. The book you expected to hate, didn’t, and then got angry about not hating

hmmmmmmm. Maybe?? Twilight?? or at least the first book. I’ve read it when I was 17 I think and thought ‘yeah sure it’s okay’. I’ve read the whole series and while I found it a bit silly at times, there was a lot I liked about it AND it legit made me read four very long books in like a week at time I wasnt reading anything but manga, so im glad about that? I then had a period of mandatory hate for the series bcs of the huge backlash but you know what? It made ppl pick up books so like. fuck it

OH also, probably unpopular opinion, but Foxhole court?? I had no idea what to expect and everything ive seen online about it made me go ‘???????????????? the fuck’ so I was apprehensive when I decided to check it, and ended up quite enjoying it. It has HUGE problems (as a book series, not like, plot stuff, although....) and I really enjoyed the characters and relationships but it does kinda piss me off at how good it is at making you ignore the issues just to enjoy the characters?? if that makes sense?????

27. The book you’re embarrassed to admit you’ve read

Well I’m not usually embarassed about what I read, mostly because my taste in books is IMPECCABLE (OBVIOUSLY, why else would you be here har har), but I’ve read this one book that was. holy shit it was bad. to be fair i was roped into it by SOMEBODY (yes im looking at you and yes it is the book youre thinking) but here’s my ‘review’

I forced myself to finish the whole thing and the ending 'twist' made me want to stab myself in the face tbh

[taegijae-blog]

BREAKFAST DELIVERY 10

pairing: 2jae

genre: fluff, if you squint there’s angst

word count: 3k

description: the school’s hottest boy im jaebum wants to get a certain boy’s number.  but the first problem is: he’s unhappy and not eating.

status: completed

note: this was originally posted on wakaba’s wattpad @/jaeholics

| part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 |

Thank God the day following that event was a Saturday, otherwise he'd have to shamefully face the two hearts he managed to break in one day.

Jaebum rolled around in his bed, hugging on the blankets, mumbling incoherently to himself. He felt like absolute garbage. Seeing that his alarm clock read 10:37, he slumped out of bed and dragged himself down to the bathroom. The house was empty as usual, meaning he could totally throw a party that night. If, you know, he didn't feel like dying. As he squirted some toothpaste onto his toothbrush and madly scrubbed his pearly whites, he groaned as he stared at himself in the mirror. He knew he was a good looking guy whose looks would attract mostly every gal or guy. After rinsing out his mouth, he smacked some water across the mirror and blurred the reflection of his sad-looking self. For once, he wished he was ugly. Jaebum tiredly zombie-walked his way over to the kitchen, checking the fridge for any food that possibly could've been left for him. Seeing that it was empty except for some eggs and milk, he already knew that his plans would be to go out for both lunch and dinner. Opening a cupboard, he grabbed a box of fruity cereal and dumped it into a ceramic bowl, pouring milk in after doing so. His dear cat, Nora, crawled up to his feet and rubbed herself against the skin lovingly. "At least you're here," he muttered under his breath, slurping some milk from his bowl as he made his way to the couch. He turned on the television and stared dully at the skin, allowing his pet to crawl onto his lap and rest there. Realizing that he hadn't checked his phone in a while, Jaebum reached for it since it was laying on the coffee table. He turned it on, only to be met with over a hundred missed text messages. annoyed, he unlocked his phone and saw that a particular someone added him to a chat group overnight after he fell asleep, which was the main cause of the overload of messages. He squinted at his screen while he scrolled through the messages. It took him a while to realize that those numbers were familiar to him: Jackson Wang, Park Jinyoung, and Choi Youngjae. The last message was sent a few hours ago, so he didn't bother sending anything to indicate that he read the chat. He put down his bowl of breakfast and became invested into the conversation they were having, feeling more and more uneasy. Nora jumped onto the table and quietly drank some of the milk as Jaebum's foot tapped in anxiousness. wango, 2 others [jype]: i'm muting this chat btw [wango]: bro I just want u to listen to my proposal [c.youngjae]: why do you even have my number?? [wango]: thats not important just listen rn [wango]: so jb hyung's like super depressed aight? [wango]: I HOPE HES READING THIS BTW WINK WINK [jype]: winking in text doesn't do anything [wango]: anyway [wango]: i want all three of you to meet up [wango]: and work this out together [wango]: i'm not going to interfere bc this is a u guys issue!! [wango]: u gotta fix it urselves arasso?? [c.youngjae]: ...how tho [wango]: there's a nice place in town [wango]: it's called Cafe A [wango]: all of three meet up there by 3 and talk it out!! [wango]: idc if you're busy or not [wango]: (unless ur planning to meet ur family bc then please go ahead and do that first family is first priority) [wango]: ARASSO?? [jype]: our 'talk' isnt going to last long, you know. [jype]: theres not much I can say

[jype]: it's always been a one sided thing anyway [jype]: i know he likes youngjae way more than he likes me [jype]: and i'm okay with that. [jype]: i just don't want to be thrown away because of that 'love' he has for him. [jype]: you reading this, youngjae? [c.youngjae]: yes, hyung... [jype]: good. [jype]: i don't hate you or anything. it's not like that.

[jype]: it's true that ive liked him since middle school [jype]: but I always knew that it'd ended up being like this [jype]: and how he isn't the kind of person to fall for his best friend [jype]: so I prepared myself for when this sort of thing happens   [jype]: it won't bother me, youngjae. go ahead and date him. [c.youngjae]: hyung, i [c.youngjae]: ...you have to understand that i don't really like him at the moment [c.youngjae]: i'm not sure if i'd agree to that [jype]: that's a shame [jype]: because a really great guy has a huge crush on you [jype]: and it's a waste for you to be ignorant about that. [wango]: ... [wango]: hoh my god  [wango]: i'm a rly good problem fixer

[wango]: jinyoung? 

[wango]: u still there?

[wango]: i guess not 

[jype]: i have plans for today. i'm not going to that cafe. [wango]: oh [wango]: well I guess it's fine now since u guys talked it out!! yeah!!! [wango]: youngjae, don't be discouraged! [wango]: both jaebum-hyung and jinyoung r amazing people [wango]: even tho they seem rly scary and act cold [wango]: its just their way of caring [wango]: ive known them for a long time [wango]: theyre literally the best friends ive ever had [wango]: jinyoung is a rly wise person, there's always a good reason to whatever he does [wango]: jaebum-hyung has sides to him that r like a dad or big brother that u can rely on [wango]: ... [wango]: youngjae??? [c.youngjae]: yeah [c.youngjae]: i'm listening [c.youngjae]: thank you, hyung [wango]: no problem man

[wango]: now go get that dick [c.youngjae]: ???? [wango]: jk jk lol [wango]: r u going to meet up w Jaebum-hyung at the cafe? it's a rly nice place I swear [c.youngjae]: maybe [c.youngjae]: i haven't heard what he says tho... [wango]: aw true [wango]: let me spam him brb [c.youngjae]: wait don't spam him;; what if he's just asleep?

[wango]: 

ugh ur too nice

[wango]:

fine I won't

[wango]:

i'll go spam markiepooh instead♥️♥️

[c.youngjae]:

...right

[c.youngjae]: the other number in this chat is Jaebum-hyung, right?

[wango]: yep!! slide into his dms boy

[c.youngjae]: ;;

Jaebum instantly realized the doom he was about to face.

"No, no, no, no, no!" He literally screamed at his phone, trying to do everything to prevent Youngjae from knowing.

It was probably too late.

[c.youngjae]: ?

[c.youngjae]: wait

[c.youngjae]: but

[c.youngjae]: ;;

[c.youngjae]: isnt that defsoul-hyung's number...

[c.youngjae]: ...it is

[c.youngjae]: hyung.

[c.youngjae]: ... [jaybee]: are you mad at me? [c.youngjae]: no

[c.youngjae]:  even though I did just find out you were double tricking me

[jaybee]: i never meant to make fun of you or anything

[jaybee]: about that party

[jaybee]: i knew bambam only as 'def soul'

[jaybee]: i'm sure you can also tell that he doesn't like me bc im known as that rude, popular shit called im jaebum

[jaybee]: and rapmon told me to come anyway

[jaybee]: btw his real name is namjams

[c.youngjae]: what's your point

[jaybee]: i want to have a second chance

[jaybee]: i know ive been a horrible person, hiding behind two identities just so I could talk to you

[jaybee]: please

[jaybee]: i only ever wanted to cheer you up

[c.youngjae]: ...

[c.youngjae]: i feel stupid for sending you all those messages

[c.youngjae]: no wonder you knew where I was and that I didn't have an umbrella

[c.youngjae]: i feel like you've played me and you probably did 

[c.youngjae]: but the def soul hyung I know is a caring person

[c.youngjae]: and if youre him

[c.youngjae]: then I can hope that your kindness is just as genuine

[c.youngjae]: because I think it's impossible to fake kindness like that

[c.youngjae]: let's meet up at three and talk

[jaybee]: i'll be there

[jaybee]: i won't be late.

Read at 11:07 AM ✓

His phone read 2:57 by the time he spotted Jaebum. He was standing right outside the promised cafe, scrolling through his own phone with his legs crossed. It surprised Youngjae to see that he was wearing a pair of wire-rimmed glasses and an oversized sweater, contrary to his usual attire of trendy clothes that showed off his nice build. He looked pretty hot, to be honest. Youngjae shook that thought out of his mind and approached Jaebum, acting as though he wasn't just staring at him a minute prior. "It isn't 3 yet," Youngjae said quietly, stuffing his hands into his hoodie. "I've been here for ten minutes. I just didn't want to be late," Jaebum replied with a tiny grin as if he wanted the younger's approval. Youngjae scoffed and went ahead into the building, ruining the other's plans of opening the door for him. They went up to the counter, both of them staring at the menu in a similar way. Both of their eyes twitched, cursing at Jackson mentally. "I'm glad Jinyoung decided not to come," Jaebum whispered to the other, faking a smile for the person behind the cash register. "Welcome to Cafe A, one of the first couples' cafe in this town," she smiled enthusiastically, probably a bit overwhelmed on the inside because she had two male customers coming together in her hands. Youngjae hid his face into a hand in embarrassment, and Jaebum wanted to die on the spot. "Would you like to order our monthly special 'love potions?'" she asked, pointing to the piece of paper on the counter. "No," Youngjae and Jaebum said simultaneously. Flustered because of how rude that sounded, Jaebum laughed sheepishly and shook his head. "I'll just have an iced Americano. And, Youngjae..." Youngjae squinted at the menu above them, saying, "I'll have some water." Jaebum's face abruptly switched to one of shock, nudging the younger gently with his elbow. 'Eat,' he mouthed. Youngjae grumbled, feeling like he was just scolded by his mother. "Nevermind. I'll have a melon smoothie." "Alright. that will be ₩6,500." His hand reached into his pocket to grab his wallet, but the taller Jaebum stopped him before he could go any further. Instead, he took out his own wallet and paid using a card. Youngjae squinted his eyes at the other. I bet he just wanted to show off. Stupid seniors. "Thank you. Please come to pick up your order once this starts to buzz," she said while handing over the circular device to Youngjae, who almost dropped it.To the surprise of both, she leaned forward and gestured for them to come closer. "The third floor is popular with... couples like you two," she whispered with a grin. Both boys shook their heads, trying to insist that they weren't that sort of couple. She didn't listen, only grinning happily. 'You guys are so cute!' she mouthed while making a thumbs up, leaving the two speechless as they searched for a table. "Maybe we should go to the third floor," Youngjae was heard mumbling. "But we're not a couple, unfortunately," Jaebum remarked, putting emphasis on the last word to express that he really did think it was unfortunate. "I mean, I'd be more than happy if we were, but-" "The people here are staring at us." Youngjae gestured with a subtle tilt of his chin, completely ignoring what the other had to say. It was true, though; quite a few of the other couples enjoying their food seemed to be whispering at the two. Jaebum scoffed and marched towards the staircase, Youngjae following quickly to avoid any more odd gazed from anyone there. As promised by the girl at the cash register, the third floor was filled with... ...gay. Youngjae's eyes couldn't ignore the variety(?) of couples that were there, enjoying their time together. At one table in the corner, there was someone resembling a llama sitting across from someone who appeared like a girl. He couldn't tell, that person just had long hair. At the opposite side of the room, he spotted a couple that consisted of someone narrow-eyed with bright mint hair, nodding at his partner, who had a radiant smile, while he ranted. At another table they passed by were two people who didn't stand out in particular except that they seemed to be speaking completely in Chinese. Beside their table were two rather young looking guys, the foreign-looking one teaching his partner how to say simple words in English. "I don't think there are any open tables, hyung..." Youngjae remarked with a pout after searching around the room. Jaebum nodded, thinking that they might end up having to sit outside or something. Just then, someone tapped his arm. he turned around to see two rather tall guys sitting at the table nearby, one of them looking highly emo. "Are you looking for a table? Ae can just move our stuff, there's space for you guys," the person who tapped his arm offered, his canine teeth showing as he smiled. "Oh, sure. Thank you." Once the other guys moved their belongings, Youngjae took the seat that was on the cushiony couch and Jaebum sat on the chair. "Are you guys from JYP high?" the person asked, sipping on his ice coffee. Jaebum nodded, leaning back while putting an arm over the chair in an assertive way. "We're from Pledis," he replied, making Jaebum go “Ooh.” No wonder they were wearing nice clothes and looked as though they had their hair done professionally. Although Pledis was a small school, it was a costly place to attend and its students sure did prove that. "God, I would've screamed if you guys were from SM." Almost everyone in the room quieted down when hearing that name as though it was a taboo. SM's school had the roughest teachers and classes by far, and its roughness most likely rubbed off on its students. The device Youngjae held flashed red lights out of nowhere and started buzzing, startling him. Jaebum took it from his hand and headed downstairs in order to grab their drinks. Once he was gone, the high-key emo person who hadn't said a thing leaned over to Youngjae. "Your boyfriend's hot," he said quietly. Youngjae's face flashed a bright pink. "He's not my boyfriend! I'm not dating him," he argued and pouted again. "Really? I think he likes you from the way he looks at you, though," the person sitting across said with a wiggle of his eyebrows. "What's his name?" "Im Jaebum." Someone dropped their fork in the distance as the person almost choked on his straw. "That's... him? He's Im Jaebum?" he asked, clearly as confused as Youngjae was. someone a few tables next to them whispered, “Holy shit, that was Im Jaebum?” "Yes?" Youngjae tilted his head, not understanding what all the fuss was about. "Goodness," he sighed while shaking his head. "He's a literal legend at Pledis." Youngjae's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean by that?" "How do you, his boyfriend, not know about this?" he fanned himself with his hand, accidentally hitting himself in the face. Embarrassed, he cleared his throat. "Anyway, the Pledis legend. Im Jaebum. He used to go to Pledis for his freshman year, I think. But somehow, he ended up becoming the school's first ever student to be full on expelled." Youngjae's mouth dropped when hearing this. He wasn't even sure if his best friends Jinyoung or Jackson knew about this. "One of the biggest idol companies—you know, the ones with idol groups and all that—scouted him during his freshman year, right on our campus. The story about that flew all over school and he became a living legend. Everyone wanted to his friend." "How come you didn't recognize him earlier if he's that well known?" Youngjae asked in a dazed tone, not quite able to wrap his head around all the information he just absorbed. "Are you kidding me? He used to be one of the shortest guys in the class. He had mushroom hair and wore huge glasses every day." "Okay..." Youngjae peered over to the staircase to see if was Jaebum was back or not. He wanted to hear more of the details, wishing he wouldn't be back for another five minutes. "Well, why was he expelled?" "There was this group of seniors that made fun of him a lot, and I guess he was just fed up with him," he explained with a shrug, shaking around his cup. "What did he do?" "He poisoned them." That was the point where Youngjae didn't believe the story anymore. "No, that's stupid—" "He baked them a nice batch of cookies that made them vomit the next day. They told the principal on him," the boy paused in order to snap his fingers, "and just like that, he was gone." Youngjae was speechless, only his eyes blinking as the rest of his body was frozen. He was so confused, mostly because he couldn't believe that someone who seemed genuinely kind like the 'Def Soul' person he knew would do such thing. At the staircase, he could see a glimpse of Jaebum walking up with two cups in his hands. "Are you afraid that he'll do something like that again?" the person asked. "If you are, I don't think you should be. I can tell his attitude has changed a lot since freshman year, and he's probably trying to get a fresh start." Jaebum sat back down in his seat across from the still shocked Youngjae. He waved his hand in front of him, wondering if he was even alive. "Yah, Im Jaebum!" the person smacked his arm out of nowhere. “What—ah, shit," Jaebum cursed under his breath once he realized that that person currently attended pledis, the place of his unforgettable past. "I can't believe it's actually you. hey, i'm mingyu. remember me?" Jaebum's eyes widened as though he was reminded of something unpleasant, but he played it cool and sighed. "Yes, yes, I do. What do you want?" The one sitting across from mingyu tapped his watch, indicating something about time. He nodded his head and hurriedly threw on his jacket, grabbing his things. "Sorry, I would talk more but there's something I have to do." Before he left the table, he leaned down towards Jaebum's ear and whispered softly.

“Don't break that cutie's heart, okay?”

[twinkgami]

just a long ass vent sesh about my romantic life and self deprecation issues. 

ive been wondering a lot recently about why i feel like no one will ever love me and i remember that everyone ive dated has either

said yes bc they wanted to spare my feelings and didnt actually like me at all

came out as being asexual/aromantic right after we break up

cheated on me / hopped from relationship to relationship / literally asked me out saying i was their second choice (in my ex’s words, “neither of our crushes are gonna like us back, how about we date?”)

like, no wonder im so fucked up about it. i already have terrible self worth, all this has just bred me to think im gonna die alone and that ill never find anyone who’ll genuinely love me

its just like on a bad day, all this validates my intrusive self deprecating thoughts? like ill think about how ugly i am or how fat i am or just how awkward my body looks and ill remember “well none of the people whove dated me have been like, legit attracted to me so i guess that means i really am ugly”

ive never felt like someone really genuinely wanted me in their life. ive always felt like im not bad, but just something extra. im not something desirable. ill literally kill for the day i meet someone who just loves to be around me and thinks im beautiful. 

god the absolute worst part is that i dont accept compliments at all. so maybe someone has felt that way about me and i just brushed it off? like i hate myself so much that i think everytime someone gives me a compliment theyre overcompensating for something they actually hate about me or think im insecure about, or theyre secretly making fun of me by trying to get my hopes up

heh. anyway i just hope i meet someone this year who i can open up to. i think thats what im scared most about. ive taken a long break from relationships bc i really needed to do some soul searching and maturing. like, i want a relationship so badly my fuckin idiot heart aches like every single day thinking about how lonely i am while everyone else i know is young and in love. i just get crushes every 3 seconds on anyone that breathes near me. 

i wanna stop having stupid little crushes and just fall in love with someone who wants to fall in love with me back. even when i write something like that my brain immediately thinks “thats so impossible. youre just gonna look like a fool. what if you fall in love with them and they dont take it seriously? do you know what love even is? youre so overdramatic” like i feel stupid for being a hopeless romantic. like its a dumb idea at all that i should want love

idk this turned into uh. way longer than i wanted. but i felt like i was gonna explode today and guess i kinda did?

yelling about my problems into the void does make me feel better than talking to a friend at least. i always feel so guilty whenever i talk about any of my problems ever.

[mouldyinlondon]

first post!

after fucking around with the editing of custom themes that was made ever so difficult by the tumblr theme, i think im finally done setting up my blog and its theme! i might try to mess around with the html a bit to insert a pic in the header or smth eventually or change the background, but ive been fighting with this website for like an hour and a half now and i am  t i r e d.

who are u!

i’m camille! im 19, an aries and a white queer cis girl (she/her). i have a boyfriend that i luv very dearly and i’m from québec! my university is in ontario and it’s bilingual, as am i (my first language is french, and yes, i do have the french canadian accent, if you’re wondering). i am double majoring art and art history and i love it a lot! i’d love to specialize myself in english medieval history, especially in the fields of christian iconography and hagiography.

so, what is this blog?

this blog will be used to document my student exchange in london and the trip to the uk i will make preceeding that exchange. i’ll also document a bit of the process of applying for the exchange, bc it is quite a long one indeed!!!! i’ve been working on it since last semester and it honestly took a lot more time than i expected, especially because i have to make a preliminary schedule and some uni websites are especially hard to navigate. i might also talk about the planning that’ll go into the trip my boyfriend and i want to have before my semester.

what am i gonna do?

-travel across the uk with my boyfriend

-then study during the fall semester of 2019 in london in history

what’s the plan?

basically, i have quite a bit of money put aside for the trip and the exchange. i will continue to work this summer (im already pretty much guaranteed to have one, but it’s a haunted walk tour guide job and, although my hourly salary is quite good, i have very few hours; ill have to find another job if the one i have at the moment is only seasonal). then, in early august, my boyfriend and i will leave canada together and travel all across the uk. i have already traveled with him to his homecity (manchester, uk) and it was absolutely lovely! we’ll spend around a month/a month and a half traveling together and i’m pretty sure it’ll go extremely well, as our last trip did. we traveled pretty early on in our relationship, so i feel like after around 2 years and a half of dating, this trip will be even better than the first!

after the trip, my boyfriend will go see his family in manchester and go back home to canada. i, on the other hand, will be staying in europe. the university i will attend for the semester is the queen mary university of london. the semester there starts on september 16th, so idk if there’ll be some introductory activities or when i can start living on campus. i might just travel on my own or go see some family friends in france if i have to wait around. all i know is that it’ll be quite lonely. then, i’ll go back to london and try my best to have a great semester.

obstacles

there are a few obstacles that i’ll have to face to first of all be accepted but also to live there. first, there is the language barrier, which i dont think should be too much of an issue but??? who knows???

my first language is french and the accent in english that im used to is like the most basic, neutral, slightly canadian accent. anyone who deviates from that, i might have a hard time understanding. also, handing in essays in english is a bit scary. ive done it before, as my university is bilingual and i attend french and english classes, but it still makes my work a bit longer to do and my english doesnt have the same quality as my french. it also makes the process longer since i have to write my motivation letter in the language of the university ill be attending (so english) and i have to PROVE that i can speak/understand/write english....i mean i get the incentive but also....anyway, i can just basically show ive had more than a B+ in a class in english and it counts as a proof. good thing 3/5 of my classes were only available in english i guess.

also, my university does exchange programs in a way that you have three choices of university and depending on your gpa and your motivation letter, they give you either your first, second or third choice. my three choices are:

-queen mary university of london

-royal holloway university of london

-reading university

of course, reading was a filler. i would have wanted to put manchester as a choice instead, but the choice wasnt available for my program. i have a pretty high gpa (so far i have 3 A+ and 1 A, waiting for my last grade) and im trying to writing the best motivation letter that i can. ill have to upkeep my gpa to be able to participate in the exchange so fingers crossed???

where are you now in the process?

not many things are left for me to do for the application, and that’s perfect because i have until the 22nd to send in my finished application form (and we are the 9th, and my term has started). there are other things to take care off AFTER the application (like some meetings and obviously doing my schedule and booking my dorm room) but im not there mentally now,,, its a bit discourageing when i know how much work ill have during the term lmao.

so NOW what i have left is:

-receiving my last grade from last semester so i can enter my gpa and a copy of my grades’ summary

-take a picture of myself in front of a white background (lowkey waiting to get a haircut for that)

-i had to prepare schedules for each school with like what classes id be attending. i have to get approved my first school choice by my “department counsellor”. that was very unclear so i basically sent a message to two people + my department so like démerdez-vous lmao. when i get the schedule approved, i’m pretty much gucci!

-also my bf and i have to figure out the whole trip, but we’ll prolly start planning in april, after finals and when we have most of the money we want/know what kind of income we’ll be making this summer

-finally, ill miss everyone, especially my boyfriend...itll feel a bit lonely so i rly wanna keep busy so i dnt get too mopey. i always told myself i wouldnt stop myself from going away even if i had a significant other and i wanna stay true to that but it doesn’t mean it wont hurt...i know we’ll last for very long tho so this is just a few months out of many many more and we can withstand it for sure!

so that was a rly big post!!! had fun writing this and im excited to see what’ll happen! i should know if i’m approved in around march, so i’ll probably not update this blog a lot until then... can’t wait to be able to update it with lotsa good news, hopefully!

-camille

[angrybelieverconnoisseur-blog]

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In Tennessee, is minimum coverage car insurance the same as an SR22? I already have minimum coverage but am now required to get an SR22. Is this something that needs to be added on or will minimum coverage suffice? Thanks.""

Why isn't the Affordable Healthcare Act more like car insurance?

I'm just wondering why no one thought to copy how car insurance works to work with healthcare. Think about it, we'd save a lot on government spending. Those who buy healthcare, are covered through insurance. If you don't buy healthcare, it is up to you to buy it, and if you're asked to show proof of health insurance and don't have it, you're fined. It's simple, easy, and perfectly understandable by anyone. So.. if it works for car insurance... why wouldn't it work for health insurance?""

Car insurance ?

ok heres my problem. i am 18 and i just finished a drivers ed program i want to get my license but i cant because in order to take the road test to get my full license (not a learners) i need a car on which i am insured but i cannot buy a car because in order to even buy a car you need to have some one in the house which you live in who has car insurance and no one in my family drives so they dont have insurance as you can see im in a cycle that i cant get out of... what do i do?

Insurance for my baby?

I am researching insurance options for my baby. The baby will be born in few months. I know that the baby will be insured 30 days after he is born. This is my question. Should I find an individual plan for the baby or should I add the baby to my insurance? I did not even know one can add the baby to an existing insurance. I am just trying to find the best deal. If I have to have an individual plan for the baby, I am looking only for Blue Cross or Blue Shield of California (PPO only). If you have any suggestions, please share. Thank you""

How much does it cost to get insurance on a motorcycle?

whats the average cost? do you know the cost in vancouver, canada?""

Gettng bike insurance in chennai?

am from chennai..want to take 2 wheeler bike insurance..used bike..2006 model pls advise me on best insurance company that offers reasonable rate.. i currently have united insurance policy,but feel it is costly""

Would this work? (Named driver question)?

My good friend has her car and she is insured on that. She takes out another insurance policy for which I can be named driver on, but I drive the car always. We live at separate addresses. If I crash, she will only lose her ncb on the 2nd policy right? Which I will pay for just as a way to get insurance cheap. Also what if I dont crash, does she get 2 years worth of ncb in one year for having 2 policies?""

How much would storage insurance cost?

Im 16 year old guy, i have a 94 camaro z28 and i want to know what the insurance would be a month for storage, i have state farm insurance and currently pay $150 a month""

""Auto Financing Insurance, does it exist?

Is there such a thing as auto financing insurance. i know when you apply for a credit card they ask you if you want insurance in case you lose your job or accident or whatever and they would make the payments for you. But do any companies out there exist that do this kind of thing for auto financing. Im going to be buying a car within a week and wanted to know Thanks

What zip code in the U.S. has the cheapest auto insurance?

I want to know what area of the country recieves the cheapest auto insurance?

What kind of life insurance do I need for my mom?

My mom is already in life insurance but I want to know what kind of life insurance that is affordable to pay for by the month. We are not expecting her to die anytime soon but we want to be prepared?

Will insurance cover a salvage car?

I need to know cuz im buying a car. what insurance company will cover it. and will it be expensive??

How much is car insurance for 25 year old female?

How much is car insurance for 25 year old female?

""In Maryland, is insurance required to drive a car?""

I'm going to be living on my own soon and there's no possible way I can afford it on my own. By the way, does anyone know how much it costs to be insured as an 18 year old on your own policy? What about for a motorcycle?""

Where does it say this about car insurance in California?

I've heard on the news that it's now illegal for a car insurance company to change your rates based on where you live, at least in California if not nation wide. Does anyone know where any official documentation/websites that specific state this fact that someone could site if it becomes an issue with a particular company?""

18 Yeasr old with 94 ford taurus wagon. cheapest insurance??

I'm 18 and just got a 94 ford turus wagon for my first car. where do you think i should get my insurance?

Lawndale California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 90260

Lawndale California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 90260

""17-19 year old UK drivers, How much are you paying for your insurance?""

I recently passed my test, I am 18 and now looking for insurance that is cheap. Well... it seems that they are absolutly Bludy expensive!. I mean the cheapest one I saw was about 4500 year! :O So how much are you paying? Who are you with? and Are you insured as a named driver or main driver of your/your parents car?""

Why does car insurance cost so much?

my insurance cost me like $250 a month.. which is more than my car payment..

How much will my auto insurance cost?

Just bought a new car. im 20 years old and am a student in pennsylvania. iv had two tickets in the past 3 years for going 15 over. my credit score is 700. any guesses?

Is the car insurance free for me?

Ok, my family has State Farm and my mom and dad are on the insurance. If they list me as part-time, will they have to pay extra for me (I have a clear driving record.)? I tried to ask the agent this question,but I guess he didn't understand what I was trying to say. He said anyone that my parents give permission to can drive the car and they'll cover if there's an accident. So, does that mean the name has to APPEAR on the insurance if I'm part time?""

Does anyone know about medical insurance for low income famlies?

I know a famliy in California they make 1300 a month. Is there no goverment insurance plans for young people like this>

Is it unsafe to get a home loan with no deposit?

I would really like to take advantage of the first home buyers grant but will not have a deposit in time. I have looked at no deposit home loans but have heard they can be dangerous. Is that true?

Putting someone on my car insurance policy?

Can i add my brother and his car to my insurance policy? He doesn't have insurance cuz he can't afford the whole big down payment to start his own policy. Can i just add him and his car to mine? I don't drive his car and he doesn't drive mine, so would that work?""

What is insurance quote?

What is insurance quote?

How much do you pay for insurance?

what car do u have and how much do you pay, also what insurance sompany do u have ? just want to know""

""Driving without insurance in CA, only 19 yrs old and does not own car, what is the worst case scenario?""

So I got into a bit of a fender bender at my college parking garage. I was trying to park and due to the tight space i apparently hit the back bumper of a car. I drove away because I didn't want to further block traffic, I thought I hit the side wall, and I was already late for an important exam. The campus police called me, and he's not charging me with a hit and run. We also have everything straightened out with the other driver. However, the officer needs my insurance to complete the police report. I do not have insurance, I don't own a car and the car I was driving was my sister's. Am I completely liable? I researched around and saw fines were up to $1000 and licenses were revoked 60-90 days. Please help me answer, I'm so stressed out and terrified of everything that's happening!..""

""Buying private health insurance, broker or direct?""

I need to purchase a private individual health insurance plan. I am a little confused if I should use a broker or just go direct. There seems to be so many plans out there. I live in Las Vegas, NV. I have received quote both ways and there price seems to be around the same thing so I don't know if there are added benefits from using a broker as to going direct, anyone have any experiences?""

I need cheap insurance help?

i live in Dearborn Michigan insurance here full coverage starts from $2300 and up Oneway insurance is $950 i cant even afford any of that. Does anybody know any cheap insurance places or companies. I drive a 2004 hyundai Tiburon GT 120,000 miles clean title and im a college student age 20 whos never ever got a ticket or have been arrested. Iv had my drivers license since i was 16. Iv never been in any accidents im also a 3.2 GPA college student all A's and B's im asking is their any cheap insurance or no?""

Can i use my car insurance to pay for damage to my car?

Some idiot decided not to own up to denting my car at the weekend, so now i am left to foot the bill which judging by the damage is not going ot be cheap. The moron whoever he/she is has dented both passenger side doors. As i have never been in this situation i am not sure if i can use my car insurance to pay for the damage, especially as i dont know who damaged my car in tyhe first place. I am fully comp with Tesco.""

Cheapest car insurance?

i am looking for a car which will be cheap to insure. i am only a 17 year old girl, so i need to know what would be best and how much a month around about?""

How ill this effect my car insurance quote?

there is a question on an money supermarket asking if i have access to any other vehicles. my answer would be company vehicle, excluding social how would this effect my insurance quote? also how would company vehicle, including social effect my qoute? Thanks""

Do points on my license necessitate a rise in my insurance rates?

I'm insured through state farm and I anticipate having 2 points placed on my license on Thursday (traffic court date). Do insurance companies generally raise rates for 2-point speeding offenses or should I expect this to not be a problem? (I reside in the state of GA)

Question about multiple car insurance policies?

I'm 17 and currently have my learner's permit. My parents have separate insurance policies (My Dad has Geico for his 2007 Honda Accord, my Mom has Metlife for her 2003 Dodge Grand Caravan). My Dad recently added me to his Geico policy as having a learner's permit. But my question is this - I know that I will be able to drive my Dad's car since I'm on his policy, but realistically, I would want to be able to drive both cars (and I would likely be using the Caravan more often anyway). Once I get my license, do I have to be listed on both insurance policies to drive both cars? If I wasn't and got in an accident with the Dodge, would I be covered?""

""20 years old, considering seeking psychological help but have no health insurance and low income?""

I'm a 20 year old college student who works part-time at Best Buy. I consider myself intelligent and talented but I've had difficulty focusing for as long as I can remember and have struggled to self-motivate, or maybe just to see a point to anything, for at least the last 4 years. I'm tired of feeling this way and I want to do something about it, in the form of seeking professional psychological help, but I have no health insurance and very little income. I guess what I'm looking for is any government program that might throw me a bone, any kind of budget therapy, somewhere that might give me a free consultation or diagnosis so I'd at least know what I was dealing with, or just general empathy from people my age in a similar boat.""

Cancelling car insurance for 5 months?

HI: I just moved to San Antonio for a 6 month project and the company decided to pay for my car rental. I'm thinking about cancelling my own car insurance for the time so I can save some $. Any thoughts on what the cons can be? I don't want to cancel it for months and then have to pay extra to get back in. my car registration is in Dec and I'm from California and I have Geico. Any inputs are appreciated. Thanks! Mike

How much is insurance on the new Morgan?

You know the wooden car?

Adding fiancee to insurance?

How far before the wedding should I start the paperwork to put my fiancee on my insurance?

Cant find insurance for a 17 year old?

my son is 17 and we just got him a peugeot 106 1.1 2000 and we have searched near enough every insurance company and we cannot find a quote under 2000 pound i know this is good compared to some quotes but does anybody know where i can go to get it cheaper Thanks

Best health insurance for bariatric surgery?

I live in Florida and am trying to have bariatric surgery. What company's will pay for the surgery in Florida?

Where can I buy cheap auto insurance?

Where can I buy cheap auto insurance?

""Does your primary car insurance extend to rental cars?If so, does it really cover all expenses of an accident?""

Ever since I switched to Geico, I have verified with them that my car insurance policy extends to rental cars whenever I rent them out. Which is great, because it saves me money by waiving all the extra rental companies insurance surcharges per day. However, a recent alamo agent informed me even though i maybe saving money and my primary carrier extends to the rental car sometimes geico may not cover everything. Such as time of replacement. The time lost to the rental car company when geico works out the replacement of a total loss rental car. This maybe a hoax for me to buy alamo insurance, but I wanted to know from those experienced should I worry? Does primary insurances really extend to rental cars and do they cover everything i may encounter if I was in an accident? Would my credit card rental car accident insurance cover what my primary wouldnt cover? Curious...thanks""

Lawndale California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 90260

Lawndale California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 90260

How much does it cost to get insurance on a motorcycle?

whats the average cost? do you know the cost in vancouver, canada?""

Had my car insurance cancelled. What can I do?

My car insurance company recently cancelled my policy due to unpaid direct debit. Here is what happened. My direct debit didn't get paid on the 8th Jan 2013 due to my bank refusing as I didn't have enough funds. 3 days later I recieved a letter through the post stating they will try again in 7 days. 10 days later they tried again and it said that it successfuly went through. It's now February, I just checked on the MID website and my car is uninsured! I checked my bank account and no payment went out this month, and last month, when the payment did go out succesfully, I notice on the same day the payment went back into my account! I can't phone my insurance company yet as its 6am but I assue they've cancelled it and are wanting me to pay the rest in full. Now, when I take out a new policy, will this effect me? I have been getting quotes already and I can see an option asking ''have you been refused insurance beofre?''. My answer would be no, I haven't. I have had it cancelled due to non payment but not refused. Or does 'refused' mean cancelled due to non payment?""

What would be the most inexpensive insurance for me?

Im looking to buy a car. I don't know what kind yet because I don't want to get a car that's going to have me with really high insurance. I'm 19. I don't really know much about all this . Any and All advice would help . Thanks :)

Motorcycle insurance for an 18 year old?

Realistically, how much would insurance be per year on a 600 cc sportbike for an 18 year old male with no car accidents(if that matters at all)? And what about any other costs? Thanks""

How Much is a Tuberculosis Test without insurance?

I live in Sacramento California and need to get a tb test but i dont have insurance, so i was wondering how much this is going to cost. Any help would be appreciated""

What is the average minor car insurance from State Farm?

I'm turning sixteen in October, but already I'm trying to figure out what future expenses will be. Meaning, car insurance. I have not yet began to drive but- better early than late, right? I'm an average student, more or less... freshman year I didn't try very hard and barely passed, so I'm going to try more this year (The average soptmore: Oh crap, high school isn't something you blow off! ). I made mostly B/C's but, when I apply myself, I get high A/B's. (I've heard some insurance look at grades lol). And if you know any cheaper insurances than State Farm, feel free to suggest.""

Insurance Cost Starting Driver-?

Statement of Facts: 16 (soon turning 17) Good Grades, above B, honors Several after school activities (Student Council, if that is even relevant) Impeccable driving history (no infractions) State of Residence: Maine Rural/sub-city? Insured under fathers plan, also clean record (51 and 1 ticket?) Alright, I'm currently under my fathers policy and am driving his vehicle to school and back. Soon we will be purchasing a vehicle for my own, and I have a few questions. To be frank, I am looking at mustangs. Not v6s, but GT v8s, preferably standard transmissions. Dad's biggest problem is insurance, which is understandable. My question is how much said insurance would cost/ raise his existing policy? -I like this model because I want a vehicle with performance. When I think of performance, Muscle comes into mind. The quintessential of this and most feasible is a mustang. Many older versions (such as 1990's, early 2000's) so they are affordable, and I just like them. Also I know a considerable amount of knowledge for my age about vehicles due to helping in my grandfathers garage past summers and many weekend projects.""

Car insurance/traffic ticket question?

I got a ticket for speeding (67 in a 50) a little over 8 months ago. I took it to court because it was a first offense and got the points down from 2 to 1. I never got anything from my insurance company, so I thought I got lucky and my rates would stay the same. About three weeks ago, we had a bad wind storm in Maryland and a tree limb fell on my jeep. I reported it the same day and the insurance is fixing. Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from my insurance saying my rates were going up from the ticket in March. Do you think that my report of the tree limb triggered them to look at my driving record and raise the rate or is it just a coincidence that this happened at the same time?""

Affordable health insurance in florida?

im 17, will be 18 in november, and i need to find health insurance. i need it to cover dental (orthodontics), prescriptions, and mental health services (depression, bipolar disorder). i am a non smoker, and i have no kids. please help!!!""

Why does my car insurance provider ask for other people in household?

Does it matter who I live with if they aren't going to be driving my car? How will it affect my rates? When I first got my insurance I lived with roommates - they had good driving records but still they never drove my car (they had their own!), now I live with my fiance who has a DUI - will my rates go up because of it? He has his own truck and SUV so we rarely ride my car and when we do I ALWAYS drive... so why do I need to tell my insurance company (Mercury) who else resides in my home?!""

Is it cheaper to get insurance on the same car or on a second hand car?

hi im taking driving lessons and my test is soon. I want to know if it is cheaper to get a second hand car and get insurance on that or get insurance on my brothers car. Which one is cheaper?

Where to get updated car insurance papers?

ok so i had no idea about the expiration date on the insurance papers. how do i get updated papers that i can put in the car.

Does the mazda 3 have high insurance costs?

just wondering if it would be in the sports car range or the sedan range?

I gotta question with car insurance?

im 18 and buyin my moms car,will the insurance rates rise if she signs the car over to my name? or will it be that much of a difference? cuz i want it in my name but she says the cost will double automaticly just by changing the name of the owner from her to me. is she lying so that i keep it in her name?""

""Response Insurance, Need Customer Reviews?

http://www.response.com I recently checked the following for my auto insurance & they have good rates available but I have never heard of them. Is there any place I can get the customer review for this company? Or if you have dealt with this company please let me know your experience?

Anybody know health insurance provider which is inexpensive and trustable?

gimme the name and website address?

Average time before a vehicle is ready for sale on IAAI (Insurance Auto Auctions Inc.)?

I've been waiting for this truck to be put up for sale FOREVER. I know IAAI has to receive the title from the insurance company before the can put the truck up for sale but its been like 3 months. Trucks that are completely wrecked that are put up after this truck sell first, but this truck has no damage so i dont know why its taking forever. I know it takes insurance companys forever to do paperwork but 3 months!? if you know the average time for vehicles on IAAI or any other salvage auto auctions it would be great. Til then, the wait continues""

Would a chevy impala ss cost more for insurance than a normal impala and how much more would it cost aproximat?

Would a chevy impala ss cost more for insurance than a normal impala and how much more would it cost aproximat?

Infiniti g37????????

I'm 19 and I'm getting an used 2007 Infiniti for $12000 yayy ive been driving for a year with no tickets or anything! how much would my insurance cost? I live by myself in Virginia far away from parents just with my gf so don't even rely on my parents..

Health Insurance-please help?

I am 22 years old, and I will currently be in law school until May of 2011. Because I had to be declared as an Independent, I can no longer be on my father's insurance plan. I am scrambling to find something, because I do not want to be without health insurance and I will no longer be covered as of Jan. 1, 2009. The school's insurance policy will not cover me until Jan. 20, 2009, it seems pretty shitty, and is expensive. What can I do? What is the best private insurance to get? Should I get private insurance? Thanks for your help, it is really stressing me out.""

How do I find affordable health insurance that covers sterilization?

My job doesn't provide benefits, but I'm tired of waiting to get Essure or a tubal ligation. Where can I find information about reputable insurance companies (that I can afford) that cover sterilization procedures?""

I'm pregnant and my insurance sucks?

It has done me absolutely no good in having insurance because they don't want to cover anything (not even my ultrasound!) and they want to charge me a copay every single time I go to the doctor (which has been a lot lately). I'm drowning here.. Does anyone know of a program I can sign up for that would help me through my pregnancy/delivery? I live in California and I've heard of some but I'm not sure which would be the right one. Thank you

How do we get insurance companies to reduce medical insurance premiums to employers?

Let's face it, here in the U.S. the medical insurance premiums for group health coverage is rising faster than inflation. As a result, a lot of companies are either reducing the levels of coverage in order to offset the cost of insurance, increasing the deductible, and or increasing the cost to the employees for the insurance premiums. The problem is that insurance companies have no incentive to reduce insurance premiums. They continue to get record profits and this issue is out of control. How do we get the insurance companies to decrease insurance premiums to the rate of inflation, or better yet, start reducing the cost of premiums for a change?""

Where to get auto insurance after license suspension?

when license is reinstated where do I get auto insurance. Lost license due to breathalyzer refusal.

Car Insurance. 50/50?

I was in a minor car accident like a month ago. and they've finally almost resolved the claim. It's probably going to be 50/50, now how will that work out in terms of money?? As in, I had an estimate of the cost it would have took to fix my damage, am I gonna get half of that?""

Lawndale California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 90260

Lawndale California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 90260

Where can I get the best Insurance quotes for Home & Vehicle?

I am looking to get insurance on my house and vehicle. I am not satisfied with the present company and would like to research about the same. Can any one tell me where in I can get multiple quotes from different companies. Any help will be highly appreciated. Thanks

Auto insurance troubles. ..?

My car insurance expired on 6/19 at 12am so that same day we went to our insurance broker and purchased a new full coverage policy at 2:30 pm. They took pictures of our minivan which was in great condition. By the time the transaction was completed the time on the receipt said 2:46 PM. At exactly 4pm we were in the center lane of a 3 lane one way street and the lady on our right decided to make an illegal left turn in front of us and didn't give us enough time to stop, so we crashed. She was of course at fault but is taking her sweet time to make a statement so it has been over a week and her insurance won't take liability until she gives her statement, and now our insurance is trying to say that we weren't covered until 4:40 pm. Can our insurance do that? And the funny thing is we don't even have the details in our policy because they were supposed to mail it to us.""

Cheap Insurance for 16 driver??

I am looking for the cheapest insurance company for a 16 year old driver that can't go on any other persons policy. Can only go on individual policy!!!! Thanks for any ideas or companies

Do I need auto insurance if I don't have a car or plan on driving?

I want to get my license because it is something that I need to get out of the way now. I don't have a car or plan on driving until I can even afford auto insurance but this summer is the only time I have free to get my license. I'm 20 and in college.

What does chips health insurance cover in texas?

does it cover gynecologist visits non pregnancy related? braces? i read pamplets over and over and i dont seem to get a grip on it,can anyone help please?""

How does a foreigner to the uk get car insurance?

My husband is NOT a uk resident but i am. He is living here in the uk and currently applying to be a uk resident. We are struggling to find car insurance for my husband as main companies like churchills say he has to be a U.K resident. It could take us quite a few years before he becomes a uk resident. Surely business people or visitors to the uk get car insurance or do they all only use car hire? Any advice greatly appreciated.

First time insurance for a 17 year old lad?

The cost of insurance is so high even if i added him to my current policy. so then i am wondering about putting him third party on his own insurance.. what are the main pro's and cons' of this... his car is worth about 850 and his excess would between 650-750 anyway, thanks in advance for your help :-)""

If the point in my license won't affect my insurance rate?

I received a traffic ticket for not stoping at a stop sign. I registered and took traffic school I also Completed it. I followed up with my court and my case was dismissed but, I wanted to know if the point in license would be gone ?""

How much will my insurance go up approximately after I totaled my car?

I totaled my 2009 pontiac G6. I was the only party involved. I was going about 30 in a 25 zone and the road was snowy. I hit ice and slid up over a curb. I had previously been in an accident in 2009 in my moms vechile. We share insurance and i am 19 soon to be 20.

Which insurance company covers breast reduction surgery?

I currently have United Health Care and breast reduction surgery is an EXCLUSION. Has anyone had BRS and their insurance company paid for it? Which insurance company do you use?

What is insurance?

What is insurance?

""Where can I get the best, most comprehensive earthquake coverage for a condo in san francisco, california?""

i have already seen what the california earthquake authority (CEA) offers, which is not a whole lot. what are my other options for greater coverage?""

Insurance to volunteer at a clinic?

I was just offered an unpaid internship -type program through a veterinary clinic next to my university. I won't be getting paid and it will not help me with any credits, but it will provide me invaluable experience to get into vet school. However, they're requiring I get volunteer insurance (because it involves work with live animals) since I am an unpaid employee and will not be covered under them. How do I go about getting this? Thanks!""

Need help with car insurance?

I am a 16 year old male but turn 17 in October 27th and i really want to get driving asap. The problem is is that i am on a tight budget when it comes to it. Buying the car isn't to bad its the insurance. When im looking on websites its coming up with prices like 3000 but i managed to find prices around the 1800 for a year. Does anyone know of any cheap cars where i could get the insurance for cheaper than 1800 Thanks I live in the uk

How much does car insurance cost per month for a 22 year old new driver in UK....?

How much does car insurance cost per month for a 22 year old new driver in UK....?

Insurance on a Civic Si?

Alright so im pretty sure that answer is going to be high but im thinking of buying a '06/'07/'08 civic si, but i was just wondering if any other si drivers could give me how much they pay for insurance. im 20 live in s. cali and have one ticket so i bet thats gonng drive it up but still want to know like an average. will it make a difference if i but a civic si sedan instead of the coupe?""

What is the best Car Insurance ? HELP!!!?

Okay so I am a first time Driver and will be getting my first car really soon between next month and May. But first I need help on finding the right insurance especially one that's not really high for a first time driver also I need some tips on things I need to have when I get my car , tags & titles , registration. I need to know everything possible that I need to know when buying my first car and actually keeping up with it .""

DMV proof of insurance?

ok so im 16 and i live in california the dmv wants proof of insurance for my drivers test, my dad added me to his policy but the insurance card says his name on it but im included in his policy so can i just show them the card with his name on it?""

Where can I find health insurance as an 18 year old and I'm peregnant?

I'm an 18 year old, I live in Florida, I have a job as a CNA, I'm pregnant and married. I was woundering where can I go to get affordable health insurance and if it's likely that I'll get coverage. I would also like to know an average of what it would cost.""

Are there any car insurance companies that don't use a social security # when determining your rates?

I think it is horrible that they base car insurance rates on your credit history. Having bad credit doesn't make you a bad driver. If they are worried about you paying the bill, why do they make it HIGHER if you have bad credit? Isn't that a little messed up? Are there any companies that don't do this?""

""Comparative general insurance costs for different types of vehicles (SUV, crossover, car)?""

I'm a newer driver and have never owned a car. I'm looking into buying one and I want to know about the average insurance costs. I've been told that SUVs have higher insurance costs. I'm looking into a 03 Ford Escape, is that considered an SUV? Also, how much is the average cost difference (of insurance!) if I was comparing it to a car such as a 03 Pontiac grand am? I realize this might be a dumb question and probably varies a lot, but a general answer is all I'm asking for!""

Keep until expires or cancel car insurance?

My car has broken down for the last time. It is very old (1998) and very high mileage. I am deciding to sell it for parts and what I can get rather than sink any more money into it. Point of negative returns. I will be going carless for some time, taking the bus and using a car share program. That is just background though. Hoping to save the money, pay off other things and raise credit score to possibly qualify for a brand new one in the future. My question is about the auto insurance. I just renewed at the beginning of the year. So I have about 4 months left before the policy is done. I am making monthly payments. If I cancel now, will I still owe them for the entire policy amount - (can they come after me for it?) Or does it look better (when I go to get insurance in the future) that I keep paying on the policy until it expires in a few month (just not renew at that time). I don't want to spend money needlessly. However, I also want the best (least expensive) insurance rates when I need it in the future, and a good track record. Can anyone (especially if you are in the insurance industry) give me the straight scoop? Thanks and much appreciated.""

I totaled my car. Car insurance question?

I got a new car that was worth about $19,000 last year. Ive only had the car for a year and 2 months. I had an accident and my car was totalled. I have full coverage insurance. I havent paid off the car, so I still owe quite a bit of money on it. Does the insurance pay off the rest of my car, or will I keep having to make payments on it and pay off the loan? Im so confused. Someone please explain this to me. Thanks in advance!""

What auto insurance offices offer reduced cost auto insurance program in the San Fernando Valley?

Details below if you do not know which one I am referring to? I'm not talking about the cliche low cost auto insurance that is available to everyone. etc...I'm talking about a specific plan offered by the state of California available at some insurance offices for low income individuals. I found one office with it, it isn't close enough, does anyone know of any more offices ? The California Low Cost Automobile Insurance Program (LCA): The California Low Cost Automobile Insurance Pilot Program, created in 1999, established a low-cost automobile insurance policy for residents of Los Angeles County and the City and County of San Francisco. California Law requires that all drivers be insured. However, too many low-income drivers remain uninsured because the costs of standard auto insurance premiums are beyond their financial reach. The programs purpose is to provide low-cost automobile liability insurance to good drivers who demonstrate financial need.""

Car Insurance HELP? which would be cheaper?

im not asking for a PRICE,but which out of these 3 cars do you THINK would be cheaper on insurance for me. I am a new driver,I have good grades ( good student discount ) and Im going under my moms insurance. -2004 pontiac grand prix -2006 chevrolet impala -2006 pontiac G6 I dont need any websites to find cheap car insurance i just need opinions on which you think will be cheaper and why thanks! = )""

Lawndale California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 90260

Lawndale California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 90260

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/who-offers-cheapest-auto-insurance-ontario-canada-terry-gray"

[briefbouquetcreatorlove-blog]

Whats the catch with new cars and zero down?

"Whats the catch with new cars and zero down?

East coast honda has zero down and 259$ a month on brand new accord. Could someone explain how this would work. Do you need a high credit score. I'm 23 y/o I've never gotten a ticket or in a accident in the 5 years I've been driving. So hopeful that would help with insurance. Im in school full time and work part time and make about 10k a year. It has a 36 month leadership purchase plan. My car died I just have a year left in school. So i guess I could basically lease it for 3 years and keep it if i like it after then.  http://www.eastcoastcars.net/index.htm

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://insureinfo.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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East coast honda has zero down and 259$ a month on brand new accord. Could someone explain how this would work. Do you need a high credit score. I'm 23 y/o I've never gotten a ticket or in a accident in the 5 years I've been driving. So hopeful that would help with insurance. Im in school full time and work part time and make about 10k a year. It has a 36 month leadership purchase plan. My car died I just have a year left in school. So i guess I could basically lease it for 3 years and keep it if i like it after then.  http://www.eastcoastcars.net/index.htm

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thanks

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How much does car insurance in florida usually cost for a 19yr old girl .... i've never had any?

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Looks Like my Insurance wont want to pay out for my damaged car?

I got hit by a car recently and my car was taken away for repairs. I have just been told by my insurance that my car should not have been on the road reason being that its half and half . I did my due diligence before buying this car in 2011, HPI checks and all and it came out clean. The insurance company also confirmed this as well to me. Now it looks like my insurance company does not want to pay out for my car and they want to cancel my insurance and leave me without a car. WHAT DO I DO. PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME. I AM A SINGLE MUM WITH 3 KIDS.""

How much would the insurance cost for a 2005 Mazda rx8?

I'm 17, I live in Georgia, & I'm about to obtain my license. I've had my permit for almost a year now, & I am deciding on getting an rx8 for Christmas, but I don't know if the insurance will be high or not. Could anyone possibly tell me? btw, we are on Allstate.""

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How old should my vehicle be before I drop collision insurance?

How old should my vehicle be before I drop collision insurance?

What is the best health insurance in CA right now?

I need help. I don't have health insurance right now and I want to find an affordable one. I live in San Francisco, and I work part-time. I look at Athem insurance and it was around 60 bucks a month. I can't really afford that right now. Is there any other health insurance that is affordable and good?""

Car insurance question?

Im currently a proposed driver on an car insurance policy(FULLY COMP) on a Fiat Punto and im 19. My elder brother is getting a Vauxhall VXR and said if he is insured on the car (fully comp) and said if i drive his car, i am legally allowed to drive it but i will only be covered under Third Party. Can someone outline the Rights and Wrongs? Is it actually legal? any problems which may arise?""

Why is insurance for a 2007 Ford Mustang convertible so expensive?

I recently got insurance for my car and they wanted 500$ a month for it, Cheapest one I found was around 300-400$ which when you think about it, is still pretty expensive...""

Cheaper auto insurance if my parents add me to their policy?

I'm 20, financing a car.""

Whats the catch with new cars and zero down?

East coast honda has zero down and 259$ a month on brand new accord. Could someone explain how this would work. Do you need a high credit score. I'm 23 y/o I've never gotten a ticket or in a accident in the 5 years I've been driving. So hopeful that would help with insurance. Im in school full time and work part time and make about 10k a year. It has a 36 month leadership purchase plan. My car died I just have a year left in school. So i guess I could basically lease it for 3 years and keep it if i like it after then.  http://www.eastcoastcars.net/index.htm

How much would car insurance be for me?

I am a 16 year old male in the state of Massachusetts and I'm wondering how much it would cost me to insure a 1986 Monte Carlo SS.

How many independent insurance agents are there in the US?

I am trying to find out how many independent insurance agents there are in the United States. Any data, links or information would be great.""

What do i need to get low insurance on a car?

What affects insurance price and what model is cheapest?

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Hi So I only want car insurance for one month cause I want to use my car for work purposes (usually it's off road). I have 5 years no claims but for some reason companies are charging like 250 for the month when it'd usually only cost me 700 for the year!? Does anyone recommend any companies that don't charge as much? Thanks in advance

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I know this is a bit of a vague question! I am 26, clean license, 1 years no claims and would be working from home buying and selling 5000-10000 cars. Any ideas or how much do you pay if your in the trade yourself? Cheers.""

""Im a 21 yea old female, what would cost more; insurance on a 2010 camaro, or a 2007 mustang?""

also how much do you think would cost? no tickets, no wrecks, nothing on my record. thanks!""

Is motorcycle insurance manditory in california?

if you own the bike?

What are my best options for cheap car insurance?

I have just passed my driving test and I am looking to buy a car. I'm 21 year old female, and obviously I haven't got any no-claims or anything! Ideally I am after a little 1.0lt KA or Corsa. I've had a look on Compare the market etc and I've been quoted at 2,100 as being my cheapest offer on my own policy! My dad drives, but he is taking some convincing when it comes to insuring me on his policy! Basically I am wondering what the best way is to obtain cheap insurance!""

""Hit by car, no health insurance?""

I was hit by a car, no major damage, just pain in right leg, but nothing broken. My health insurance just expired, can I bill the person who hit me Health's Insurance? I dunno? Help?""

Texas driver got speeding ticket in Washington state? Will my insurance know it?

While on a business trip I got a speeding ticket (5 over limit) in Washington state. I live in Texas and my license is issued by Texas. If I pay this ticket, ticket says it will go on my driving record. I assume they will send it to Tx. In that case, would my insurance rate increase because of this out-of-state speeding ticket? I am ok with paying the ticket, but I don't want to see my insurance increase. What are my options? Should I hire a traffic lawyer in WA to get rid of the ticket? Again, I live in Tx! Any re ommendations for me to get this issue resolved without insurance getting the ticket info.""

""Someone hit my car, do I have to report to my insurance company risking the rate increase?""

Few months ago somebody hit my rental car in their rental car during vacation. Other party's fault, he admitted, police report confirms this is his fault. Both me and the other party were insured. The other party seems to be reasonable. Now I have a repair bill, few thousands. I am reluctant to report this to my insurance company, since I heard over and over again that even though it's not my fault my rate can and probably will still go up (read here if you don't believe http://www.carinsurancecomparison.com/does-your-auto-insurance-go-up-if-someone-hits-your-car). I think this is ridiculous, but that's the way how things are. So is it possible, and is it a good idea that I contact the other party insurance myself without involving my insurance since my case is a clear cut case? Are there any pitfalls that I should be aware of?""

Is a Pontiac Grand Am considered a sports car?

Want to know if it'll be a higher insurance cost..... Thanks. :3

How much does your insurance go up after a dui?

my husband got a dui about 3 years ago! it took forever to actually get a court hearing.. and he didn't even loose his lisence till a year ago, now that hes about to get it back, i'm wondering how much extra the insurance will be now... It was his first offense, lowest reading on the breathalizer.. and we live in pa, if that matters...""

Cheapest Car Insurance For 18 yr old?

Trying to find CHEAP car insurance. I only need liability coverage, i own it out right. Anyone know any companies with good deals for 18 yr old drivers? thanks!""

Looking for some cheap full coverage car insurance.?

Looking for some cheap full coverage car insurance.?

Health insurance for kids?

Health insurance for kids?

What's the best car insurance for a 20 year old female?

Hello! I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for car insurance policies. I'm a 20 year old female, have had my license for 3+ years, never been in an accident. Could you give me an average monthly rate for insurance for a modest car (think college student income)? Either from personal experience or general knowledge? Thanks so much!""

Whats a ball park price on car insurance for.......?

18 year old, not married, perfect driving record, in Georgia, one car, and only me being insured..... not sure about the make of the car yet haven't decided what I want. I'm planning on buying a new car and paying for it WITHOUT MY PARENTS HELP!!! Around how much would that cost me per month?""

Volvo- insurance costs and maintenance?

I'm thinking of buying a used Volvo. Anyone know anything about maintenance costs or the insurance costs?

Cheapest operating cost for motorcycle/moped/scooter?

What make and model will get you down the road the cheapest, but not necessarily the quickest? I am also asking that you factor in basic maintenance like oil changes, tires, etc along with insurance. Explain what you know.""

Best insurance policy for girl child?

I have two daughters of 17 and 13 years age. Is there any insurance policy I can now join for these girls for their studies and marriage? thank you

Car insurance problem??? what can I do?

hello I been paying my car insurance for years know the day I had a car accident (which I am 100% not guilty) I notice that the vin # on my car was not the same vin # on the insurance I was paying my insurance made the correct change and did respond with my coverage but I don't think is fare for me to had been paying so many years for the wrong car what can I do? can I sew them or make any legal thing to get back my money for irresponsibility and there mistake? they said it was my fault for not checking the documents but we all know that when we open a car insurance policy we bring all our documents in including the car title and they type it in . please answer if you only know the answer this is not a place to be playing around and not answering right to be earning points only THANK YOU

How do i go about getting sr-22 insurance?

i live in new mexico, and i'm sure it varies a little form state to state, but can you tell me the process you went through and possibly what kind of increase in insurance rates im looking at?""

If i take an online drivers ed what will it do to the price of my car insurance?

The insurance companys told me that my insurance would be cheaper if i take the actual driving class. but will it still be as cheap if i do the class online?

What is the cost of the insurance for the car i want ?

I want a Suzuki Ignis 1.5 sport im just about to start driving wants the insurance going to cost ?

Whats the catch with new cars and zero down?

East coast honda has zero down and 259$ a month on brand new accord. Could someone explain how this would work. Do you need a high credit score. I'm 23 y/o I've never gotten a ticket or in a accident in the 5 years I've been driving. So hopeful that would help with insurance. Im in school full time and work part time and make about 10k a year. It has a 36 month leadership purchase plan. My car died I just have a year left in school. So i guess I could basically lease it for 3 years and keep it if i like it after then.  http://www.eastcoastcars.net/index.htm

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/costco-life-insurance-quote-mabel-michaelson/"

[frecklesandpie-blog]

1.12.17-4.12.17

1.12 So I ended up not going to that event. But I think I'm going to try and go next week though . I think i am. My dad was great because I closed all my notes on time in my standards, and I left only fifteen minutes after eight which is like the second time i was able to do that. Many more to come. When i think about how overwhelmed I was I think the underlying thought was that I might not get over it. But if I think about what I did to get the things done, which is recognize my need to feel important and connected, realizing that I need to work on getting that need met in life rather than with client, recognizing my fear of rejection and criticism, and paying off by typing in sessions with clients, and doing that for the past two weeks since I returned, it actually didn't take as long as I thought to be able to get to the point where I wanted to be. A big portion of it was just psychological barriers.  Now it's the weekend soon and I need to deal with the presentation and the paper. One thing at a tine tho  I'm going to focus on remember ing stuff for the presentation first.

1.14 so I got over the presentation.the role play was fun, and I spoke fast for the presentation but I still go my points across and made eye contact. I think i did well given the limited amount of time I had to prepare . I'm heading home and I'm so excited to just lay there and do nothing between now and tomorrow noon ish. It feels weird to not be thinking about the presentation because that was my main preoccupation for the past few days. But in glad tho and very happy that I have free time. For this weekend I wanna work on that excel for intervention phrases. And organize all of that. I think. I also want to study or review the cognitive techniques. And finally just work on that family therapy paper. Yup . I will probably write a few pages . My main thing us napping for now. Yup.

1.18 The weekend was great. I got so many things done. And apparently at internship I am good enough note wise to be able to do some notes on my own. I'm sure other interns like Haley got that notice too. I want us all to be hired heh heh. Ive been nervous like all day today though. Nervous about first patient bc he seemed so intimidating . Nervous about the second guy bc he seems upset that I'm an intern but I did just conclude that without much evidence. And nervous about that other girl who seems so smart that I'm intimated by her too. And the n I think of all the nervousness I need to get through to become the therapist I want to become and that overwhelms me. I think of how I want to function better brain wise in my session too and I feel overwhelmed bc it feels impossible to me at this time. But then again a few months ago I thought managing the session time was impossible and compiling the notes was close to impossible. And being where I'm at risk assessment wise was also almost impossible and maneuvering epic the way I know now is also almost impossible. I feel like I'm slowly being sucked into their managed care way of thinking crap and I am not fond of that at all. Even right now I'm nervous. I think it's because of the celexa. It's gotta be that .

1.26 Hey there. I haven't journaled in a while. I think it's because I've been so tired and also busy with school and trying to enjoy my time that I had paper free. I feel like I've been quite distant from him. Or we have a quite distant. Like he's just playing video games and when he's not he's watching videos and we're not really interacting. It may be because we've been walking Chloe for the past 10 days and he's like a baby and needs to curl up and do his stuff when he feels overwhelmed by all the chores. But it's just weird. It feels like we havent been as interested sexually either. It maybe because of the Celexa. Which I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. Yesterday I went to an anxiety support group. Paid 9 but it was worth it. I realized from going to the group that when I have other domains in my life, it puts the internship and school and him into context. And I'm going to continue to do that. I think one thing that I have been reluctant to admit is that I've been getting tired of seeing his face and being with him physically so much. Like I need my space and I don't doubt that he feels the same way. Which is why I'm trying to go out more so that he also has his own time and maybe go out more.

I had a rough day at internship today. So many suicide work flows  and assessments. I m frustrated they keep coming up with things to correct for me. Sigh. Really annoy  but I'm going to see it as an opportunity to learn to do assessments accurately.my brain was just fried towards to end and my morale down. Sigh I was thinking unable to finish at 8 and ended up leaving around like 9:30 which I have to say I haven't done in around three weeks at least so that's good. Hopefully that won't be an issue since I will have regular patient going onwards next week and just way less psychosocials. I can do this. This is the environment that people work in. This is. It's true. So I will adjust to it and learn to adapt. And learn to manage my anxiety and tolerate it even since its not a stable enduring thing.

1.27 I'm feeling pretty sleepy today and down. Down probably partially bc he's going home today and won't be back til Sunday and he had some text from sal about a "beta invite" asking him if he wants to go. And those texts were later deleted. I don't know what a beta invite is but I feel demoralized that he hides stuff from me. I mean I already know he watches porn but what else? I also feel down because I have to go to the family dinner thing later and I'm dreading it.im dreading seeing them again. Having then evaluate me. Me helping with chores because I feel I have to please them. Mr dealing with the crap about oh yeah I'll drive you home and then making me feel guilty about not. I guess i don't have to feel guilty about it.and then that stupid fricken long trip. Taking those trips for like 20 years of my life is long enough. I don't need to d o more of it. See more hoarding  . See more things I hate  be reminded more of things I hate. I just wanna lay home in the warmth and nap and do nothing today so I have a break from everything  . I am quite excited to have Saturday and sunday to myself though. Quite excited. I was planning to just chill today and do nothing while pursuing clinical interests on those days. I dunno.i feel kinda down though suspicious. @@dream We were living in my old house. Yamoni hasn't returned from vacation and we're worried. Chloe let out of backyard. Found toe.pretty sure it was his. Old lady came out of no where asking for us to support her and care for her for a bit. In wheelchair. We said yes. Then we moved to big house all of the sudden. Lost his toe in the progress.i found it amidst a bunch of stuff . Then old act suspicious. I followed her. Followed her to mall to a family event at the mall I was already going to . Saw that she was being suspicious. She got caught and was not actually in wheel chair. She got up to run. People got onto her. Turns out she killed him for his money and was taking our money this whole time. My family wa s there and I told  him to act inconspicuous as if we were friends.  some family event for myself. My mom said I told you so. She couldnt be trusted even though she totally trusted him. Then we went to some church event. I bumped into some old church acquaintances. I noted they saw me wearing glasses. Then i wento change into contacts. Saw a black girl in dark bathroom. Needed her to be there bc I freaked out.other people in big bathroom stalls were Asian. She was only black girl. Everything was really dirty. I was trying not to pollute my contacts.

1.28 Today was just an awesome day. Yesterday was awesome too. I'm not going to lie, him being gone is like stereo noise gone. Everything is so peaceful. I enjoyed it. Today I didn't pursue any clinical stuff.i spent pretty much the whole day reorganizing stuff in the room. Most of it was my stuff anyway. And then i put up the new shelf which is si beautiful .I m going to take nubs out tomorrow. And I'll probably pursue some clinical things tomorrow.

2.1 Hello there. I haven't been in the mood to journal as extensively for some reason. I was thinking about it today and I realized for sure that I do have stuff on my mind, it's just putting what's on my mind to paper has been difficult. Yesterday was my first day of class. How did I feel about it? Well research was good. I talked to people. There were people I knew. I think I wanna be friends with the Joe guy. I think. And then next was clinical 4 which was not bad either because I spoke with the girl next to me. I think I wanna try and talk to people more. Just like comments. Not necessarily conversation because probably like me, they're wondering who in the classroom they can trust or feel comfortable with. And me using my voice and smiling helps with their perception of me. I find that planning our even a few minutes beforehand what I want to say and how I want to portray myself helps. The last class was the one that's triggering. I saw two quiet people. Then I saw that outspoken girl. Maybe impartially jealous of her and that's why im hating. That's probably it. But I do want to make if a goal to portray myself as friendlier bc rhen I wouldn't have to focus my mind on making friends but just portraying myself as friendly. I think the goal or expectation of making friends is way unrealistic at this point. I think I need to focus on feeling comfortable with people. Or more like feeling comfortable being more friendly and outreaching with people. I'm going to my professional seminar class now. I hope that girl isn't there. I wanna try and be more friendly and not take unfriendly reactions or less than friendly reactions to my friendliness less personally. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I just met this person. It more than likely means that's the way that person reacts to me in those circumstances. I made it a goal yesterday of reinforcing my own boundaries at home and I feel good about it. I ended the show watching on my own terms and he played video games while I did reading .I quite enjoyed it because then , on my end, I didn't feel like I was rejected, and felt like I had control over what I wanted to do and felt the desire the pursue my clinical interests. On his end, I think it helps him feel less guilty about playing video games, and more free. Definitely more free. I imagine he probably feels the way I feel when my mom isn't saying things like are you going to see me this weekend? Or it's so late why you go home so late. It feels much freer when she's not saying those things and basically giving me space. Yesterday night was awesome too. I did the process recording. Spent an hour on it and then chilled for the rest of the night. Tonight is a late day. I'm scared that I might end up leaving later. And I really dont want to do that. I really really dont. Like from a 1 to 10, it's a 10 that I don't want to leave later. I'm going to try to not do that by ending early on my hour sessions. Like 20 min earlier. I'm excited to have no where to go on Friday. I guess that actually would help make up for Saturday because I have my allergist appt that day, I'll be seeing Kiki that day. And I kinda want to go to the party on that day. So I can practice going up to people and talking to them. I also can't wait to cut my hair tomorrow! The only thing I'm worried about is possibly feeling too exhausted by the time I see Kiki. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I can enjoy my time with her. I really can. I can be in touch with myself. Be comfortable. I can. And then I can bring clothes to change for the party too and contacts to change later. For when I see kiki and go to the party. I can even bring a nutter butter as an incentive. Benefits of going? It'll be a learning experience, a practice experience. It'll have positive effects on my socializing in the classroom and at internship. I would feel more comfortable and confident with that temporarily (or not temporarily)added domain to my life. Yesterday I saw that Filipino girl in class. She's at one of the cool mental health clinics and I really feel jealous. Though when I think about it there are definitely both pros and cons to psychoanalysis and the so called evidence based practices. For one evidence based ones are in higher demand and more "popular" on managed care terms , though my interest does lie in psychodynamic orientation.  Plus. It may be that she is learning that way if thinking now but I will too. I will take those classes and learn too. I will get there. Also if I had actually gone to a more psychodynamic place I would've sort of partially consolidated my prejudices towards the"evidence based " practices. And would not realize as I do now how useful and effective and helpful it can be.

2.6 Happy Monday.. I'm not too excited that it's Monday but I don't dread it to much either. I was going to do my process recording this morning but I realized that i needed to journal to clear my mind. My weekend was too awesome and relaxing. I did nothing on Friday. Then i saw mom on Sat and also went to a lunch class with Kiki. The kung fu class was interesting. But what was great was that I really felt like I did enjoy my time with Kiki. I originally wanted to go to a party afterwards but I realized that it would probably drain me way too much and that it was best to start small. Today though I am craving more social interactions .I tried to look to see if there were any meetup today but I didn't see any that interested me. Tomorrow I have a support group thing at 7 that I might go to. I might. Not sure. I'm thinking though that since it's at 7,the two hours before that would be a great opportunity to get homework done. Since on Friday I have all these appointments and will probably see mom then. That's what I'm thinking. Because if I get my homework done then then I'd have the whole Saturday to chill :D which would be awesome. When I think about Saturday I'm also craving to go to some social event. I think unfortunately though I wish it was me, it's probably the Zoloft and the new chemicals in my body that makes me crave this. Whatever though. I'm going to be on it for a few months and I'm going to make the best of those few months. Did I tell you how classes were? I think I did. I was and still am glad that I was able to speak up twice I think in two of the classes. That perfectionist girl right now is where I'm channeling my resentment unfortunately, but I'm not even acting out on it. Tomorrow i have classes again and I think I'm going to focus on  talking more to people. For research I can talk to Kristi I think. For clinical I can talk to that new ish friend ish girl . I think her name is Jillian  and probably someone else  that class too. I want to because it's my last semester and I have nothing to lose. I just gotta seem Friendlier and people should be more likely to talk to me on their own too. I also gotta work on more eye contact. And then that last class is like the most intimidating . Let me brainstorm where would be the best place for me to ditto feel mist comfy... Probably with Tara ? But then in my head I think ew I'd be sitting with the quieter people. but it's okay. My goal is to be comfortable talking in class for that class specifically . I've been unintentionally thinking about ifh this past weekend even though it's something I don't want to do.  I guess it's just the fact that they see me somewhat positively has given me hope that I could potentially work there. I know I'm just building my hopes up for half and half reasons but I'm going to allow myself to do that because its not like I'm not going to look for jobs just because I'm putting all my eggs in the ifh basket. Because i still will look for jobs. But now that they see me more positively there has been twice where my mind has gone to the place where I worry imight "fail" that image in someway. The thing is that it would be hard for me to "fail" that image because this whole time.. the things that I do and the decisions I make was based on my own standards (which I refuse to let other people label as perfectionist or "low self esteem") and was also based on my own desire and own drive and motivation  for clinical development. None of it was based on their standards. Im going to brainstorm though and think about what some or thing criteria they have are that I met that has led them to see me more positively.. I stay later to be sure I finish my notes I mostly try to check off all the checklists of a note I am able to put in fine phone outreaches I reach out to Alex and Jennifer when it requires. I reach out to Tory when I have questions. I make sure I do all the suicide assessments with each red banner patient . I show self awareness with patients. Or try to. I show initiative in learning on my own. I try to write progress notes on my own standards. I checked the clinicians standards and previous comments before sending a note to them. I smile to other staff. In general I do. I try to manage my own care team by following up and doing letters and discharges. Which I want to continue to do.

I want to work more in managing my own care team. I want to work on referring to care management or something. I want to be more I do si assessments via phone with red banner patient s. I want to more readily reach out to other clinicians or collateral contacts. And documenting them. I want to work on being a little more talkative with other people and clinicians.

Yeah. In feeling nervous right now but I think it's because I want to poo...when I get home today I also want to work on reviewing clinical development. Possibly turning that CBT and act word doc into progress note language. Possibly ly. But that task sounds quite daunting right now. Maybe I can work on just a part, or small part, of one doc.

2.7 I'm not going to lie. I feel depressed. I talked to people in my first and last class today b it I also just wanted to fall asleep. I felt my mind going to the conclusion that I will never make friends. But I didn't conclude that. It was leading up to it because I looked around the room and saw how everyone was do different from me. Them and their social work values. And then i see people who are similar and I feel distained to associate with them. Last night I had a scary dream. I was somehow about to marry Roger. And my mom and his mom and the church was there and they called both of our names up. And I was like hold up. I f this marriage is going to work I'm going to have to talk to him first. At one pt I even looked in the crowd and saw cousin Alan and for some reason thought that it was a possibility for alan to tell Roger about my relationship with chub. And I told him I was in a relationship with him for 7 years. That I even had sex. That I don't want kids. That I want to do missionary stuff and he said okay we will still get married. And then i thought okay he wants to still marry me. I will just break off my relationship with him. And marry him. And my mom was look at us and his mom was looking at us. I hate the accountability and publicity and just the public life. I hate it. I woke up and I was like what? No he's already my husband. And I love him and would not do that to him. I'm ongoing to lie that a part of me does because of the Christian life and the public life andIt just feels like of free but also not free. It's 5:30 right now and I'm not going to lie I feel down. I just want to curl in bed. Which h gets even more depressing . I do though. I just want to curl in bed and eat junk food.

2.8 So I ended up napping until he came home. Well I guess before that I also watched a comedy show. I'm feeling okay today. When I think about me making friends though i m still inclined to feel hopeless. Though the fact is now at this time of my life I'm not even trying to make friends. I'm trying to just feel comfortable interacting with people. I think of how I'm going to graduate without having made that many friends and I just feel left out and held back by my social inhibition. I thought of how I have tomorrow at internship before the weekend comea and I'm just like eh.imnot really looking forward to tomorrow. But what am I dreading that's so bad? I guess one thing I know for sure I dread is having to do that psychosocial tomorrow before I leave. That most likely will take extra time. Though my goal is to limit the amount of time needed so that I stay extra the least amount of time. I then think about the weekend and I just don't even feel that enthusiastic about it. I've really been craving social interactions. O mean I guess if I really really wqnted to. I could go somewhere. You know what I'm going to go somewhere. Whether or not I feel like actually going to the actual event. And if I look on meetup and feel inhibited I'm going to really critically think about why I do not want to go. I think I've also definitely been feeling empty a little. In my soul. I definitely have. I was going to bring an intervention book to read for tonight when I'm on the rrain but I thought I'd probably feel quite drained by then. The other thing is that every morning. Most mornings, I get very excited about reading the intervention books at night, but rhen in general by the time I'm home I just wanna do nothing. I think if I feel the same way tonight I'm going to aim to just finish or get close to finishing the depression chapter tonight. I'm going to have an hour to do it anyway. Or at least half an hour? Or maybe not because I also want to do nubs humidifier and refill his water and maybe take him out. I think I might prioritize that but I'm not completely certain .

2.10 sigh I've been feeling bored. And maybe even a little empty. Today is Friday and this week when I get home I've just either been sleeping or pursuing clinical stuff. Don't get me wrong the pursuing clinical stuff is great because that's something that I had such a hard time getting myself to do, but it's like aside form that I don't have much excitement in my life. I've been  thinking about going to do social stuff just to feel some excitement. When u go home he's just playing video games,then I feel bored and do my stuff and sleep early. We havent been talking much at all. It's like we are just two separate people living in the same room. Which I'm going to be fine with because I've been wanting to experience a break from him. I think the only reason I don't feel it's fine is because I'm missing the feel of connecting with someone. I'm sure this disconnection from each other isn't permanent anyway. And if it is still this way next week, then I'm going to see what this new way of living is like and what I learn and get out of it.  But anyway I've been tempted in my mind to lament him not spending time with me but I'm not going to act on that. I think him pursuing the things he wants to do while I am home is a positive sign of him being able to be himself and feel at home when home. And I'm going take this feeling of lack of connection and do something with it by socializing more. Today tho I have just been at my dentist all morning. The longest wait ever. I'm going to the psychiatrist afterward and then the allergist before j see mom. He suggested yesterday to work out tonight. I think I don't feel motivated but it's something I want to be a regular part of my life so I think I might agree to it. I might. Not sure  . I'm going to tolerate this distance between me and him because it's an opportunity for me to pursue life

2.11 I just went to a support group and it was pretty good. Too bad the guy charges 10 for 250. Well to be accurate, it was good in the sense that I did well. And now I am craving for more. I tried looking and I didn't see anything that interested me. I got this girls number today which was awesome. It makes me feel so empowered like I could just make friendquaintences with the snap of a finger. I feel like I want to go again to a social event tomorrow to make friendquaintences. Either to the board game one or the support group one or even both . I think my goal at this time is to make friendquaintences not friends. It feels great. It's probably the Zoloft so thank you Zoloft.

I would consider today to be a pretty productive day. I went to the support group, made a friendquaintance, Then saw mom for a few hours. It was completely enjoyable. I felt a bit suffocated bc I was reminded of stuff and then i started worrying about his mom and my mom meeting. But it's under control because I will continue to do what I am doing which is meeting my mom at places I know his mom won't be at and continuing to check where his mom is. I think I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's a job fair in like three weeks and I don't feel prepared for it at all. And so I've been binge watching this show for a few hours. I am quite enjoying the fact that he's not here but I'm also scared because it feels like we're getting tired of each other. And losing the interest. Which is really scary. It is. And it's hard for me to admit it. I'm going to make the to do list for the job fair tho. I am. I'm going to do it.

2.12 I made the to do list for the job fair and even worked on some of it. Pat on the back. I feel nervous tho. Why? I'm nervous because I also wanted to work on my clinical stuff too but now I also have this job thing on my to do list. I mean the job thing is obviously more important. I just feel like I'm missing out on clinical stuff I wanted to do and when I think about doing clinical stuff I feel like I'm missing out on job fair stuff. And then when I think of job fair stuff I'm like really stressed and nervous. What to do what to do... I was thinking that I'd spend the rest of the day today working on clinical and then start job fair stuff tomorrow since I'm so stressed so then that just continues to keep the stress about the job fair at that level, if not increase it. So I think I might do a tiny bit of clinical? I dunno  .

2.13 I ended up working in my resume which felt awesome that I worked on it. I'm glad for my anxiety because it alerts me to what is most important and priority  . Did I tell you that I also signed up for a Bible study group. For the first time I made it public that I am married and it felt really scary. The reality is still scary to bear. I wasn't excited to go to internship today.but when I think about Wednesday it wasn't that bad. I quite enjoyed it and was able to finish my notes in time. I think I feel bad because i need to continue working on finishing up my notes in time. Especially in the morning because otherwise im quite backtracked. I'm going to work on that today. Hopefully. I think I just dreaded it because I ve been used to associating the internship with the stress and not being able to pee when I need or fill my water when I need. Which is all the more reason to work on ending my sessions early or on time. I'm glad I decided to work on the resume thing yesterday instead of pursuing clinical stuff. I think for now, I'm going to push pause on clinical so I can work on the job fair stuff. At least pause it until I feel working on clinical would give my mind a break or pause it when I feel I really want to skim the clinical so that I know what to do. I think I'm a bit in denial of the fact that the job fair is a legitimate thing I can get a job from. Like people and agencies legitimately go and put their stand there because they know msw are graduating and they know they want to hire people. I have experience. I pursue clinical interests in my own time. I have books for it too. My worry now is that I remember looking at some of the jobs and some seem to include case management or children. Yuck. I hate both of those. Well children I don't genuinely hate, I just prefer to get in touch with my hate for them as a defense. I'm going to be sure I get people's numbers especially Jillian's tomorrow during class . I wanna talk to people about the job thing too.

2.16 I got Jillian's number and this other girls number. The girl is named Tatiana. I was watching her talking to this other girl and she seemed so relaxed . I was eavesdropping and I wish i was that close to someone. I think of cyclical psychodynamics and I wonder if I'm missing something that plays a big role in connecting to others. Like maybe being more vulnerable and reaching out more with a balance.l instead of kind of putting up my guards. Though I must say I have let down my guards a lot since I took Zoloft.a part of me wished that I achieve this myself, a part of me is grateful for the changes and have decided to make the most out of it while I'm on it. It's better to have established friendships and then deal with the sa rather than the other way around. I'm going to an anxiety group later. I'm excited. Tho a bit worried that they may cancel the group because there's literally only two people going. Me and this other girl ans the organizer but I'm going to take that as an opportunity to be able to talk freely with strangers and try to make friends. And then I'm seeing Paul. I didn't see him last week because of the blizzard and it was okay. I'm not sure what to talk about today. I am not. I've been feeling very awesome during the mornings lately. I think taking Zoloft and sleeping earlier has definitely been helping with that. Also praying and listening to the Bible in the mornings. This morning I was in a good mood and I thought of the job fair and for the first time ever I was excited about it and saw it as a great great opportunity to talk about my skills and what I've learned and how I'll contribute to their company and to be the best version of me. Even if I don't get a job it will be a great learning experience and I'll get a lot of our the experience. Especially the psychological ease of knowing that I've done something. And overcome such a scary thing. These days I go about my life and I'm like oh wow this is how people who aren't enslaved by anxiety go about their lives? It's such a relaxing life. O realized that this is the happiest and freest period of my life aside from the time when my innocence wasn't knocked down yet. Like I am free from my family. I have control over when I want to talk to mom. I have control over join8bg church groups, socializing opportunities, what I want  to do when I'm home. It's such an awesome period of my life. I get to do and say what I want to my family without have to suffer from the repercussions of it.

2.21 I've been procrastinating for the past two days on my job fair prep. It just feels way too overwhelming. The fact that there are so many companies I have to prepare for. The fact that I don't even know what it's like. That I've never been to q job fair before. The fact that when I think of competition like Courtney and Hailey and Hannah I just cringe. I don't know how to convey the impression that I am better than they are in anyway. I feel like they are totally on the same level I am. I think of mhsc and it just feels like I'm taking a total gamble. And then i think of the policy video I have to do, the research paper and the problem statement and I just feel overwhelmed. Coupled with the fact that I've been feeling guilty for not seeing mom this past weekend and having to see her this upcoming weekend and also not wanting to see her.ivr been watching shows all day and I feel crappy. The thing is that I've been doing fine on Friday and Sat but didn't start procrastinating til Sunday.on Sunday I got this flash of panic of not being able to do well. I think that might be when I started to freak out. Coupled with the fact that I have freakin dumb process recordingsto do tomorrow and having to do stuff with him tonight. I just wanna curl up in bed and Kay here forever while the stronger me prepares and deals with the job fair. And then I'll wanna come back out again and face the world.

2.23 .I feel like I wanna just lay in bed and crumble up. Whats the matter? I have a job fair in two weeks and an interview for ifh in two weeks. I thought the job fair was enough and I was already worrying about whether or not I'd be able to handle that. But now there's an interview too? I spoke with Alison yesterday about her interview and it was way too much for my mind to handle. I mean I have the ability to think of cases and how I handle them and the ability to consider and use evidenced based practices and describe them but it's two much for two weeks. Oh I sure do not doubt that i'm over thinking the job fair. Maybe all I need to do is cone up with a description of myself and my experiences. And then give them my resume. My goal is for an interview anyway. The ifh interview is a great opportunity for the interview experience you know?  Yeah I agree. It's just I have this fear that I'll just get overwhelmed screw up the job fair and then get stuck at ifh or worse not even get the ifh position and just feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and trapped. Sometimes I feel stuck and trapped in my own issues other times I feel stuck and trapped in external circumstances. The worst that can happen in my mind is that I don't get the ifh position and Hailey does and I'll then just feel unworthy compared to her. Feel that i'm not good enough or something.

3.2 Okay. Hi. Guess what's going on.. I have a job fair tomorrow.im signing a lease tomorrow.. and I have an interview on Monday. I was quite overwhelmed and complaining but you know what it's great that I have time tonight to prepare more. I want to work at mhsc. I do. I'm overwhelmed and nervous because I have aderral in my system and because I found new info about thrive that I want to be able to know by tomorrow. I'm also nervous about whether or not my "pitch" is good enough. I mean at it core I just need to say all the things that meet their requirement so it's not that difficult. It's not difficult at all I would say. I just need to say it a couple of times. My most important priority is mhsc and then community health and maybe sus. Maybe. And  also worried about this weekend.. jusg seeing all those new questions for the ifh interview really threw me off. But you know what it's okay because I can use old experiences. I think it's definitely doable. It's just me doing well with mhsc tomorrow so I can fully focus on ifh. One thing at a time. I'm focusing on mhsc tonight. What do they want? Willingness to work with high need communities. And I will. And prior experience with primary care. Etc.

3.6 Hey there.. I just left ifh with my dog collar unfortunately. I interviewed with them today and was actually able to say almost all of the things I wanted to say and wasn't like almost unable to breathe either. I just questionwhether or not they were impressed with me because there weren't many laughs and Laura talked about some part time jobs instead of full. Jennifer also checked out at times. Sigh. Whatever  I really did do the next I've ever done on an interview and now that u have this experience I wouldn't have to prepare as much for my future interviews. I think I'm going to apply for mhsc for sure. Sigh. I don't want to do it after i grt home but I'm going to have to because I need the job. I'm also going to look into the other jobs that people mentioned to see what I can get for interviews. I feel like I've fought the hardest part of the battle and I think that if i don't have a full time job in the end then i most likely will at least have a part time. Which is good enough for now because that's better than being jobless for sure.

3.8 I feel a bit out of it. I don't know if it's because I was so full on mode into preparing the job interview and now that it's over in like what? This is all that I had to deal with in life befoee the interview happened? And everything seems so underated. Yup that definitely contributes to it. The other thing is just me knowing that my next steps are preparing for the mhsc interview and moving. And maybe applying to other jobs. The thing about the mhsc is I'm scared f8 start preparing for it because I haven't even gotten an interview invitation. But you know what preparing for it befoee hand and then getting the invitation is better than not preparing and feeling completely stressed immediately after they notify me. So I'm going to start on that. Whats the coat anyway? That I get disappointed? Well that's okay because I've been disappointed before. I keep thinking back to the ifh interview and feeling I did almost nothing else. Almost. Nothing else. But slayed it. But at the same time I'm scared to think that because of their poker faces and because of what Laura said about the part time job and her stropping me when we got further into the next steps. I mean me feeling bad about rhat isn't going to do anything so what I'm going to focus on instead is moving and the mhsc interview. I realized after speaking with them that i would SO rather so the same exact work at mhsc even if they have the same unrealistic expectations  and learn Chinese more and have a new superviaoe than continue at that hellhole. Hah. Maybe that's why I'm dreading going there today. Because I've just been calling it a hellhole. Hell hole hell hole hell hole.today is Wednesday and I'm probably going to get home around 9pm tonight. Tonight I'm going to start thinking about the next steps for the jobs. Before tonight I'm going to  respond to that Amanda lady. I honestly don't even want to talk to anyone else at the job fair except mhsc. I think I'm putting myself in a rabbit hole tho because I'm just really limiting my options..

3.13 Hello there love.i was wishing for a day off this week so so badly and now I have tomorrow off which is awesome. I want to do my interview stuff but at the same time I feel like I'm doing a gamble because I don't know if I'll feel motivated. If anything what I have learned is that my motivation builds as I start doing things and get into it. I really hope they call me for an interview though because its been exactly one week .

3.16 I ve  been so out of touch with myself and my thoughts. Proof? Look at how short my entries are. I'm going to make an effort to be in touch with the thoughts today  . So I'm going to internship now. I called out yesterday because I just didn't feel like going to class or internship.plus the last time I actually called out sick was last semester. Calling out sick once this semester doesn't hurt. The reason I called out though is because I've been so absorbed into the fact that almost all I want in life is about to come true. Balcony. Bunny. Own place to walk around naked and do whatever I want. Own place where I can sing where ever I want. No one knows where I live. It's too amazing to me. And I'm just so excited that the fantasy is about to come true that I find it hard to contain myself. And to even focus on the potential interview  . When I think of my excitement tho, it's kind of dampened by the fact that he still is going to wanna go home. Like I feel like I'm competing with his mom or something -.-  but whatever I am going to appreciate the alone time. Like really really appreciate it. The only reason I could contain myself enough to go to work today is because I only have like four patients in total. And then i plan to leave. If they decide not to hire me..it would be because I had a stupid doctors appt on monday and couldn't stay  for a patient. I do sort of regret not staying tho. But whatever. I've been not worrying as much about work because he got his 9000 back and so I feel I have back up. Worse comes to worse I'll do fee for service . It can't be that bad I think  ... I just need to get my lmsw . And I can even apply for the other jobs. I spoke with like three places and didn't get to talk to them. It can't b that back.  I can't possibly have cut my ties to the rest of the world by not sending thank you emails to like three agencies. I can't wait to leave and pack today. Like I can't even wait til therapy is over. I regret not calling out either  . Sigh.  Whatever I'm sure I'm going to get something out of it  . You know what's really scary though? The fact that im so caught up by all of this that it scares me to know that none of this is permanent. I feel the pull of worldliness and materialism. I want to use what I have to glorify God. I don't want to not want him. I don't. And I will start once everything I settled  . Though for now I am praying .

3.16 So I'm heading to therapy now. So glad the day went by so quick. So glad. I'm glad I enjoy my job and that it goes by fast. I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in therapy. Probably my excitement but then also frustration about how mom still asked me why I didn't see her and proceeded to tell me about this old lady. And then kept asking if I have bf. Maybe I think in myhead that having bf means I abandon her. I don't know how tot think of it because I did crave her affection less after i got with him. And it's just so annoying. And in going to tell him about the interview thing.maybe maybe not. I dunno

3.18 I am so excited about this interview opportunity. It seems like the interview is only half an hour and I will need to convey all my strengths in half an hour. I will need to check off all their check boxes in half an hour. I will review all essential interview questions and internalize them so that the essential points and strengths are communicated. This is a great opportunity but it's not a big deal if I don't get it .I will just get another job if that's the case. But ideally because I already have this opportunity lined up. I will do my best to maximize my chances of getting it so I can also maximize the amount or number of opportunities available to me. It is 11:16 right now. I'm going to make tea and drink jugs of water today. I am going to track. Not judge.but track what I spend every hour doing today. I am so blessed.i don't deserve this apartment but now that I am here.i can focus on the thing that I need to focus on it.i can postpone all apartment things until after. No rush. I have all that I have ever wanted and needed and now I can focus on job.

3.20

I feel so exhausted. Today is my first day going to Manhattan from the new place. I hope the amt of time it says on google maps to get there is actually the amount of time. If it is, it's about 10m more than the usual amt of time but the trade off of a new neighborhood and mom not knowing where I live is so so worth it. I found out yesterday that the sunlight in the apartment is actually different from the old place . Here, I get direct sunlight in the morning as opposed to the majority of the afternoon. I'm a little disappointed but if I think about it, if I got another apartment with the sun in the afternoon I would be wondering what it's like and how awesome it'd be to have sun in the morning. So I'm going to be happy with it. I'm going to enjoy it . I do enjoy it. I am and want to be a morning person. I think I am just especially extremely exhausted today because I only had four hours of sleep. I feel so worried because I'm afraid they won't approve my interview time on Wed. Sigh.

3.22 Guess what?! I did the mhsc interview. That's about all the jobs I will be interviewing for until I get a lmsw and then apply for other jobs. I am so amazingly glad to have gotten that over with. I don't think I did poorly. They seem to be impressed by my evidence based therapy skills.  Well .I guess if they place me in a sucky place then I'll just go with ifh.i mean I don't know what im talking about because I haven't even gotten a rejection or acceptance. Either way I'm so excited to go home and enjoy my new home without worrying about the interview stuff:) it's too amazing. Way too amazing. I see Paul tomorrow and have the allergy appt tomorrow. I just cannot wait to be home and do nothing. This is too amazing. Way too amazing. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.

3.26 I went to bed at 7 because my freedom allowed me.but now it's 12 and Im hungry and I've just been dreaming nightmares. My last nightmare was the nightmare of my life. Pregnancy. Having to explain myself. Being stuck with him who only acted like another child for me to take care of. Being exposed and know by people who told my family. Having to make up lies. Being stuck with a child. Horrifying. Horrifying. Horrifying. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or what because if that's the case I'm going to eat something. I feel so free. So so free. Free to  hang out. Free to be out late.   Great you proud of yourself? I lied to get myself out of having to see my family and to have to go all the way back to Queens village. I hate the trip. I just hate it more than I would like to admit. But that doesn't give me an excuse to lie. No excuse is an excuse to lie. I lie way too easily. And way too readily . Well now it's 7:34 in the morning and I'm just here. I'm seeing dad tomorrow evening. Then going to yamoni on Tuesday to fix up stuff. Wednesday I have stupid internship. And Thursday I have paul. Friday I have that training. I guess I'll just see mom on Friday night. I guess. Or maybe Saturday after i see Kiki?   It's 12:30 right now. I pretty much slept from 7last night til now. O think I just am not use to not having anything urgent and pressing to do. And so I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been having horrifying nightmares too. Nightmares of me being pregnant. Her finding out where I live. Her finding out his name.horrifying.horrifuing.well I woke up to a dream life and now it's 12:30. What am I going to do for the next day five hours? No idea . I thought about doing aswb but I don't completely feel like it. Plus I'm suppose to be on my break after doing all that interview stuff. I thought about hanging out but it's just really gloomy outside. It really is.  Maybe that's also why I'm like melancholy.

3.27. I really don't want to write this entry but I'm going to make myself do it. I've been frustrated and annoyed at him for spending so much time playing videos games. Staying up til 3am. Defying me for when I made the commen that he looks like Jerry when he does that Asian face . It makes me mad because I  see his face and am reminded of the fact that I am stuck with him. Him and his face. Which is so awful and shallow of me but that's how I feel. And it pisses me off that he is proud of it and doesn't want to change it and is resistant to any of my attempts to change it.

4.4 okay I'm really going to try and sit down and write this journal entry. I'm going home now. today was a chill day. I made a new friend. it's the Asian girl I was judging and avoiding. and we somehow happened to become friends because she's also interested in Psychodynamic.  I'm really considering attending an institute. but I want to first get confirmation that I can work at mhsc first.. which should be in two weeks. I don't think it'd be too late to apply by then. I'm going home now and originally I was going to take take a nice bath but I changed my mind and no longer felt like it because then I'd have to spend money on additional stuff. my materialism is really growing and I will take this apartment as an opportunity to manage it

4.5 so spending time Journaling didn't work out last time. I got distracted and decided to give it a try again next time which I am doing again right now. it's Wednesday and I am so so excited for tomorrow to be done with because then my break comes. I am really excited. I think when I go home I'm going to organize my desk because it's a total mess. otherwise I've been good. I accepted the ifh position but if mhsc accepts me than I'm definitely going to take that instead. I've decided accepted 50 50 gamble for a good place is better than being at a place that i know will be 75 % way too much to handle. it's just not necessary.  and if the 50 lands me at a place that I don't like the pop or with just as high expectations than at least I took the gamble and get paid more. I'm hanging out with Kristi for lunch on sat. I'm excited for that. I have been finding my self in a state of excitement and anticipation to talk to people in class. which is awesome. like seriously I haven't felt this way since high school. the difference is that in hs I was fake happy but now I'm genuinely myself and I have no idea how I have been able to get to this point. it's just too amazing to be true.  way too amazing. I find myself feeling so moved by it . I think I actually have  a few friends even though they may not be close regular hang out friends, they're still friends. mollie, Natasha,  tara, Jillian,  yunan, vicky, hailey, kiki. and I'm actually going to go to redeemer community group on monday. I just think I've been postponing things for too long. I feel ready to join and talk to people and be connected. I am married and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have things I want to do during break. mainly study for the exam but I'm afraid I'll fall into a state of not wanting to do anything. I don't know if I'll necessarily feel that way though because I feel like I've just been having a different outlook on life. it's been shifting is all I can say.  I'm waking up, enjoying the view, looking forward to go home, looking forward to talk to people, right now even all little bit of looking forward to see mom. I definitely want to call dad. looking forward to joining the community group. looking forward to hearing back from mhsc and if not it's totally okay. looking forward to getting licensed. I don't have anything debilitating anxiety pr fears of getting stuck . getting backed into a wall with no way out. I go home and my journey is most chill. not dread. I'm not feeling fatigued or tired until bed time. before I would feel that way around 8 or even earlier.  I can't believe I am capable of living this kind of a life. or that this was even a possibility or option for me.

4.8 notes for Paul from mom interaction you're like your dad . so antisocial and such a loner youre growing more and more into your dad everything I say you don't want to hear. sooner or later you aren't going to wanna hear me talk at all . you're going to not communicate with me. And you'll just forget about me. yeah you're a giant human being I'll just forget about. and I'll forget about you too because I'm old and I'll have alzheimers   it's not called gossiping. it's called communicating.   then what's gossiping. I'm not talking to you. you'll just not listen to me. I am trying tp teach you what's right and wrong and how to reason . and you won't listen. tell me what you think it is and I won't argue. you're telling me that I'm not communicating with you. here I am trying to. and you're refusing.

dream: not being able to go to conference. couldn't see the map and missing stop.  then conflict with mom. 6e silent judging.  thInking abt asking him marriage. thinking about asking paul to see me .

4.12 I'm in the middle of break now.  the first two days was a lot of laying. I definitely barely studied for the lmsw exam. I think that since I'm going to have to study it anyway, I might as well treat this as if it's a vacation. it's just hard stripping the thought of having to study away from my mind. stripping the though away that  I'm wasting time. but u think it'd really benefit me if I could really focus on relaxing and enjoying my time off. I've just been feeling depressed and not like doing anything on monday I just laid around. and slept. and then yesterday I laid, went to hone depot and then laid again. I still have a hard time believing that I'm living the life I'm living.  I think of before when i was dreaming about apartments.  I thought I'd be content with just a one bedroom apartment with sunlight.  or I'd be content with just a small balcony . but now I have a one bedroom apartment with this amazing view. with a bus that goes directly toanhattan where I don't have to deal with the jam in the morning. with a balcony that's 9 ft where I can sun bathe til noon. where I get morning sun. where the water pressure is amazing. where there are no roaches. this is more than I could ever ask for. where there's a local park. I sometimes question in my head whether basically anywhere away from mom is somewhere where I'll be happy. but it's not just that.  this place is just sincerely literally undoubtedly amazing. God what did I do or deserve this? I didn't do a thing and I don't deserve it. anyway I have just been not feeling like I'm on vacation.  before I was looking forward to chilling at home. doing home decor. but I haven't been feeling it. which is a good thing. I don't want to be tied by the collar of materialism. but I also haven't been feeling like doing the olive oil shower or painting. I think it going to try some behavioral activation on myself and probably make a smoothie tonight. I'm exited for that :)